Most ‘PC’ column of the year

It seems that no matter what you say, what you do [ordon’t do], you’re bound to offend someone. And it seemsthat every year, SMU comes up with a new list of PC terms.You’ve got first-year, residence hall, dining hall, newstudent, recruitment. But my goodness, it’s all the same:freshman, dorm, cafeteria, fresh bait and rush.

Trying to be politically correct takes work, and though I seemto have become too energetically declined [lazy] for work giventhat I am a fourth-year [senior], I’ve made one last attempt.So once again, I bring you the most politically correct column,part two.

Costly higher education [college] exists as a whole world on itsown. It’s a new stage in your life like none other. Youfigure out new things that, male, oh male [man, oh man], you neverwould’ve thought possible.

You never would’ve thought you could ration consciousness[sleep] in class. You used to get in trouble for that. But thenagain, you never used to be so motivationally deficient [lazy].

When you were in middle school, the thing to do was “goout” with someone when you really didn’t even goanywhere. That’s where monogamous commitments [relationships]started. You had a male significant other [boyfriend] or femalesignificant other [girlfriend]. In college, that stops. A guygradually becomes relationship impaired [afraid of commitment], andby the looks of it, he’ll probably always avoid domesticincarceration [be afraid of marriage]. That explains why, as anupperclassman, he is still someone who prefers generationallydifferential relationships [a cradle robber]. He must be wary,however, because not every first-year [freshman] is numericallylegitimate [of legal age]. There may be a few who are stilllaw-breaking temptation [jail bait].

In a rare case, where a guy is monogamously dedicated [tieddown], he will always be differently logical [wrong] no matter whathe says or does. With a verbally repetitive [nagging] girlfriend,he knows this. He also knows that mental disabledness [stupidity]is never an explanation [excuse].

I went on a date last weekend. I know. Dating is such a rarephenomenon in college. Even though I’ve associated datingwith accessorizing, I think I’m one of the few who stillbelieves in it. Call me a hopeless romantic. Intercourse [F@%*], Idon’t care. Pardon my base expression of fulmination[swearing].

Guys, I know breasted Americans [chicks] at SMU can be a littledifficult to ask out, but you want to know the secret? Okay, thesecret is JUST ASK! To be quite honest, these days, girlsdon’t really care how you ask, so long as you ask. I know itcan be overwhelming due to the number of terminally attractive[drop-dead gorgeous] people here. But as long as you don’tmake it too obvious when you have your introspective pornographicmoments [undress people with your eyes], you’ll be okay.

You never thought that you’d be such a negative saver[spendthrift], but going out is expensive these days. A fabricatedidentification card [fake ID] alone will cost you $150. You end upbuying everybody birthday shots, Thanksgiving shots, Columbus Dayshots, Arbor Day shots and shots for no reason at all.

Growing up, everyone was either that skinny frail kid or thatfat kid who got picked last in dodgeball. You never thought thatyou could be something of both. Thanks to beer, guys can be a lessthan portly guy [a skinny fat guy]. He appears to be slender on theoutside but lift up that shirt, and you’ll see awell-developed liquid grain storage facility [huge beer gut].

At every male greek social function [frat party], you willalways hear three songs: “Back That Ass Up,””Baby Got Back” and “You Shook Me All NightLong.” And at every gathering, there will always be That Guy.You never thought you would be That Guy, but you are That Guy.He’s the one suffering from a case of rectal-cranialinversion [making a complete ass of himself] on the dance floor. Hemay have been accidentally over-served [drunk], but chances are, hereally is just overly Caucasian [a bad dancer].

I can sympathize with him, though. I can’t dance either.I’m too uniquely coordinated [clumsy] to dance. I playedsports growing up. I never danced. I’ve been told that when Ido attempt to execute a motion [bust-a-move], I dance like someoneon crack AND Ritalin. Recently, I learned to do the chicken walkthanks to my friend Jason. It’s the funniest thing you willever see before you become living impaired [die].

Besides learning about the world around you, you also learn alot about yourself. I learned to be comfortable with who I am. Sowhat if I’m vertically challenged [short] or that I ampectorally inferior [have no boobs]. It makes running a lot easier.And before, I was always so apprehensive of myself, believing thatperhaps I was overly abnormal [weird]. I had never met anindividual who was unusually steadfast [a stalker] until I got tocollege, and that reassured me that I wasn’t sociallymisaligned [a psychopath] after all.

I also woke up one morning and realized something very profound.Blessed feces [Holy crap], 21 years of checking the same box onforms, and it just never occurred to me that I was, in fact,Asian/American/Pacific Islander [Asian].

Self-contentment is very liberating.

And political correctness is tiring.

Ann Truong is a senior math and electrical engineering doublemajor. She may be contacted at [email protected].