Something to Drink to

As if to answer the Huey Lewis and the News hit ‘80sballad “I want a new drug,” today’s teenagershave, indeed, found a new drug — but the origins of which maysurprise you.

According to the Mack Mayo Institute for the Study of theUnquestionably Obnoxious, our society has become overly obsessedwith the health food craze and personal fitness. Instead ofcontinuing the teenage tradition of smoking cigarettes betweenclasses or sneaking beer on Friday nights to get their kicks, youngpeople have reverted to inhaling unhealthy foods in an attempt toreach a euphoric “calorie high.”

The same un-researched research also revealed that this”calorie high” is induced by consuming large quantitiesof carbohydrates, the likes of which haven’t been observedfor approximately five or so years — thanks to the late,assumed dietician deity, Dr. Atkins.

“Parents, beware,” warned the report. “Yourteenage son or daughter, whom you may think you know, might referto the consumption of this new drug as ‘hittin’ thegravy,’ ‘droppin’ starch,’‘gettin’ twice-baked,’ or, among otherstreet-names, ‘munchin’ the loaf.'”

This scary new trend has even infiltrated Dallas’ upscaleHighland Park neighborhood, leaving carb-conservative parentsbewildered and immensely worried.

I personally witnessed one of these “carb-bingers”two days ago. I haven’t slept since.

When I first encountered the three suspects, I thought they wereperforming some type of groundbreaking scientific experiment todispel the inconvenient myth that exercise and fatty fooddon’t mix.

After observing the three Highland Park High School girlsjogging down Hillcrest Ave. Tuesday evening, I spotted them bust upinto Jack’s Burger House. Naïvely, I assumed that one ofthem had fallen and broken a femur or two; or maybe they weredesperately in need of a Rawling’s zero-carb refreshingbeverage.

But proving itself true, assumption still remains the mother ofall screw-ups, because greasy goodness was the cherry with whippedcream on their minds.

Still sweaty and red-faced, these nutritional deviants proceededto order — oh my goodness — three chocolate shakes witha tall order of cheese-fries. I was confused. Three chocolateshakes and cheese-fries? After running?

“Surely Jack’s must have some sort of low-carbpromotional deal going on right now,” I thought. Why elsewould such well-raised socialites from the upper-crust do this? ButI was dead wrong.

This food was the real deal, fully loaded carbs and all. Theydidn’t use Splenda replacement sweetener for the shakes! Theydidn’t even verify whether or not the cheese was low-fat!

For all I know, the food could’ve been bought off theblack market in lieu of the recent United States embargo onproducts imported from the happy-go-lucky Carbohydrate-land, whichborders Candy-land, as well as More’s Utopia.

At first, I had a few hypotheses as to how anyone could socarelessly ingest such unhealthy food directly following whatseemed to be a pretty tough workout — judging from the puddleof sweat that had accumulated under their table.

The first was that these so-called “girls” were, infact, aliens whose subsistence needs wholly depended on theconsumption of eight glasses of chocolate milkshakes per day.

The second was that these girls were members of some sort ofsadomasochist cult, and they enjoy painfully punishing theirstomachs after working out. If you don’t believe it wouldhurt your stomach, go run sprints for 20 minutes then glance at achocolate milkshake; then reintroduce your face to Mr.Porcelain.

But the harrowing reality didn’t dawn on me until I wasback at my apartment, cuddled up with Oprah’s currentbook-of-the-month.

Those girls weren’t eating! They were getting high offthose God-forsaken carbohydrates, the carb-heads. And you thoughtthis new term, “Whopper-heads,” from the Burger Kingcommercials was just a clever marketing strategy when, in fact, thecorporation is attempting to appeal to teenagers who enjoypartaking in this dangerously-increasing social predicament.

According to the aforementioned research, if teenagers work outhard for more than 20 minutes they will get lightheaded. This, inturn, will increase their buzz ten-fold after they pump theirbodies full of this troublesome comfort food.

At first I was appalled. Teenagers enjoying unhealthy food! Ifound it sacrilegious. That is until I realized how stupid ourdieting culture has become.

Honestly, people, are carbs really all that bad, especially ifthey are thought to make people happy?

Personally, I find young, healthy people eating like this almostrefreshing. Obviously they work out. None of them were overweight;and they were all moderately attractive. So what’s the bigdeal with enjoying what you eat every once in a while?

I’m rather tempted to indulge myself in an exorbitantamount of carbohydrates; and that’s why this week’scheer-of-the-week is transformed into a boo-of-the-week.

Our society has demonized carbohydrates so much thateveryone’s repulsed by the idea of consuming foodstuffs thatwe once enjoyed pre-Atkins-reign. Has no one realized that thereare no long-term studies on the overall effect of a carb-lessdiet?

When people force themselves to only eat food void of carbs,they become cranky and there’s nothing sexy about that. Maybeit’s even the motivation behind all the hate in the world.You know, Hitler never ate carbs.

Instead of entirely subtracting this happy-mood-inducingsubstance, I think people should try to eat it, along witheverything else, in moderation. Moderation is an ingredient to asuccessfully joyous state of mind when paired with a healthyexercise routine.

So boo to you, carb-counting crazies. I like them and you shouldtoo. So stop hurting poor carbs’ feelings! Besides, everyoneis not intended to look like a supermodel in a bathing suit. Leavethat to the people who get paid for unhappily refusing their bodiesthe delectable delight of carbohydrates. I’ll see y’allat the cheeseburger factory.

Mack Mayo is a junior English major. He may be reached [email protected].