Something to Drink to

Five days until the detonation — I mean, until theelection. Now there are a lot of people out there called”smart people.” These folks know what they’retalking about and will try to sway you left or right in the nextfew days by inundating you with persuasive and revealing platformissues like tax reforms, immigration laws, et al.

Luckily for you, I’m not one of these “smartpeople.” I guess I’m drowning in an ocean of colorful,presidential spin. But I’m going to try to help youanyway.

Thanks to a recent Washington Post article by PeterCarlson, I can provide you the candidates’ details thatreally matter. The true qualities a person needs in order to be ourbeloved president — infidelity not included.

I mean, come on. What do we really know about John Kerry?

We know that he has a plan. It’s a great, masterful planthat will magically fix everything the Bush administration screwedup. You needn’t know what the plan entails, silly, becausemere humans’ brains can’t comprehend its supernaturalnature. Oh, he’s also got two daughters that definitelyaren’t lesbians. Did you get that? If not, let me repeat it:They like boys not girls.

And what do we know about Geedubya Bush?

We know he’s, well — he wants to offer us some wood.That’s pretty nice of him I guess, because lumber is alwayscool.

That’s about all I know. But Carlson’s article,Bicycling magazine and Runner’s World can provide much moreinteresting insight than I can.

Bicycling magazine took a gander at some photos of thecandidates on bikes and “reached several profoundconclusions,” said the article.

According to the article, “Bush leans too far forward andkeeps his arms too rigid. And Kerry’s helmet isn’tstrapped tight enough. The verdict: ‘Too close to call. Bushis more aggressive, but [the magazine] doesn’t like his fitfoibles. Kerry is technically correct but lackszip.'”

Should I be so daring as to assert that these could be analyzedas metaphors for the two candidates’ actions during the threedebates that didn’t include any debating whatsoever? Bush istoo combative and Kerry lacks enthusiasm? Sounds accurate tome.

Carlson’s article also said that in addition to Bicyclingmagazine’s profound discoveries, Runner’s World”found that the candidates’ exercise habits speakvolumes about their characters.”

The magazine found that in the past, Bush ran about six times aweek, which conveys “commitment, determination and clarity ofvision.” However, because Bush continued this exerciseroutine after badly injuring his knee, it “suggests he can beintransigent and single-minded.”

As for Kerry X-treme, because he “runs, cycles,snowboards, windsurfs and plays hockey,” not only does heshow “vitality, open-mindedness and versatility,” butalso that “he can be indecisive.”

Can anyone say “analogy for the War in Iraq?”

We know Bush did what he thought was right by going to war, butdidn’t the 9/11 commission discover that it was based onfaulty claims? Are we still in Iraq? Yes. Therefore Bush’shard-nosed policy for exercising with a bad knee equals hisuncompromising vision for the War in Iraq. I bet if you caught Bushpicking his nose, he’d keep his finger in there just to showhow unwavering he can be.

Kerry, on the other hand, supported sending the troops to Iraq,didn’t he? Absolutely. But he has flip-flopped and now wantsto exit Iraq as quickly as possible. But not before fighting a”smarter war.” Wait what? Contradiction? Sen. Kerry, Iknow indecisiveness rocks, but you can’t be everyone’sbest friend. Do you think Kerry has trouble picking out what colorsocks to wear everyday?

If these keen observations aren’t helping you decide whomto vote for in the final hours of the endless campaigning, maybeyou should do what we always do in America.

Emulate your favorite celebrity.

Carlson’s article also discussed how Vibe magazineunveiled which celebrities are endorsing which candidate. Thank theLord, because I can’t even go to the bathroom unless I knowwhat Aaron Carter’s up to.

According to the piece, “‘Suddenly, evenmiraculously, it’s hip to care about politics,’ reportsSpin, the rock magazine.”

Britney Spears, Kid Rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Wayne Newton and BillyRay Cyrus are voting for the Bush/Cheney duo.

Willie Nelson, Ozzy Osbourne, Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliottand Madonna are fighting for the Kerry/Edwards team.

I’m sorry, but if I based my vote on celebrity influence,I’d vote Kerry just to spite Billy Ray Cyrus and his awfulearly ‘90s song “Achey Brakey Heart.”

Britney Spears is nearly forgotten due to annoyance and lack ofmoral fiber. Kid Rock certainly rocks, but doesn’t seem tohave much going on upstairs. Lynyrd Skynyrd — to say anythingwould be blasphemous. Wayne Newton is cool, but exudes cheesyVegas.

Willie Nelson breathes excellence. Ozzy Ozbourne is okay, buthas definitely snorted a line of ants and even drank NikkiSixx’s urine one time, according to Motley Crue’sautobiography The Dirt. Justin Timberlake had the biggestturnaround ever — from obnoxious boy-bander to kick-ass dudewho shares a bed with Cameron Diaz. As for Missy Elliott andMadonna – at least Madonna’s inventive, I guess.

And if that doesn’t help you, maybe this will: Thecheer-of-the-week goes to Wanda Sykes for pinpointingvoting’s essence.

According to Wanda Sykes in Vibe magazine, “men who votehave bigger penises, and women who vote lose 20 pounds.”

Regardless of your assertion’s accuracy, I drink to you,Queen Sykes. I can’t thank you enough for focusingthings.

We’ll find out if it’s true [hopefully!] in fivedays. I see a heavenly light at the end of a long, dreary,over-politically-saturated tunnel.

Use your brain. If you watch Bill O’Reilly, listen to AlFranken. If you watch CNN, watch FOX News. Don’t be easilyinfluenced. Don’t be a Republican or a Democrat just becauseyour parents are. Read. Do your own political research. Search theInternet. Stand up for what you believe in. Vote for whomever youwant. See you at the voting booth Nov. 2.

Mack Mayo is a junior English major. He may be reached [email protected].