Ed Board would like to thank Bacchus on a job well done for handing out thousands of free condoms yesterday.

The average college student, much like a Pavlovian dog, salivates at the mere mention of the word “free,” doubly so when the word “condoms” closely follows. So it’s a good thing that Bacchus chose to use the two words together, to encourage students to drop by and pick some up.

Now the trick is to encourage these same students to actually use the things.

Contrary to popular belief, condoms are not intended for use as balloons or for smuggling drugs across international borders. While these are perfectly legitimate uses for the product (except for that thing about the drugs, that is very illegal, do not try it), condoms serve a much more serious purpose. Condoms are useful when one finds oneself in a situation where pregnancy or other sexually transmitted diseases might result as a consequence of said situation.

In plain talk, they help keep you from getting knocked up (or knocking up, as the case may be) or catching one of the various, colorfully named diseases that can spring up when you do the horizontal tango without protection. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a bout of gonorrhea! Or how about “Have a happy New Year… and some syphilis!”

So guys: if you get into the giving spirit this Christmas, be sure to wrap your present first. This rule of etiquette applies both under the Christmas tree and under the sheets.

Pregnancy is not an appropriate gift for this time of year (or any time, for that matter) so be polite and do your part to prevent it. And let’s not forget the possibility of diseases. If you know you have one, don’t share it with your special friend. Girls generally don’t like that sort of thing, just so you know. And if you don’t know for sure (maybe too much eggnog led to a few Secret Santas) it’s best to be safe anyway.

And ladies: if someone tries to present you with an unwrapped gift, tell them to find some wrapping paper and try again. The same stuff above applies to you, too, only you’re the one who would have to go through nine months of pregnancy and the subsequent birthing process. Ask any mom: it’s a lot to go through over a casual gift exchange. So do your part, too.

In summation: next time you feel like spreading Christmas cheer, be sure that cheer is all you’re spreading.