For years women have wondered why men won’t call, why they won’t commit or why they won’t be faithful. The list goes on. Well, the answer to these questions is in the title of the new book called, He’s just not that into you: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, by Liz Tucillo and Greg Behrendt.
Yes, those six little words seem a bit harsh. However, according to the authors of this brand-new book that single phrase can change women’s lives. Tucillo, a writer for HBO’s “Sex and the City”, and Behrendt, a consultant for the comedy, recently appeared on the “Oprah Winfrey Show.” The audience’s positive response to the show created such high-demand for the book that the publisher (Simon Spotlight) had to produce 410,000 copies on top of the original 30,000, according to Tracy van Straaten, executive director of publicity for Simon Spotlight Entertainment. Amanda Chivell, a sophomore SMU student said, “I searched all over Dallas looking for that book the day after the show and couldn’t find it anywhere. I got lucky though because my mom brought it to me when she came to visit me at school that weekend.”
Due to the book’s great success after the first show, Oprah asked the authors back again for a special update. This nearly overnight success story has left the authors completely overwhelmed with story after story after story. During the update show Winfrey said, “So I’m sure you’ve heard a kajillion stories. I hear them. So I know you…” And Behrendt interrupted, “Yeah. No, it hasn’t stopped. I’m getting three an hour.” Behrendt has reached women everywhere with his frank and candid advice. Still, women who claim that they “get it” write to him with more excuses for the men in their lives. Behrendt constantly tries explaining that the bottom line is that he’s just not that into you. “I think that this book sends a good message to women and we are finally hearing the truth, even though it sounds pretty brutal at first. But it saves us all that time we waste worrying about why a guy didn’t call us when he said he would,” Chivell says.
The whole idea behind the book came from a piece of advice Behrendt offered to a co-worker while working on a script for a “Sex and the City” episode. Sharing personal stories was routine because they often inspired ideas for the show. One of the writers told a story about a guy who declined an invitation up to her apartment after a date, because he had an early meeting. When Behrendt entered the room of all females, she asked him for advice from a male’s perspective. Behrendt replied, “I don’t want to do this. I feel odd about it. But he’s just not that into you. He really is not.”
“It was like we were all punched in the stomach,” Tucillo recalls. “Then we started laughing,” she adds. Then every woman in the room started grilling Behrendt for his opinion of their situations. He shot down the women’s excuses each and every time. “Any time you’re making excuses, the answer is he’s just not that into you,” Oprah explained to her audience after listening to Behrendt. As a result, Behrendt and Tucillo decided to write a book for women explaining the many variations of the “he’s just not that into you” situations in relationships. Another SMU sophomore, Johnston Hagar, read some of the book out of curiosity and found that it did prove some valid arguments. “I’ve definitely pulled the ‘I’m so sorry, I’ve just been so busy with school’ line a few times when I wasn’t interested in a girl and never called after I said I would,” Hagar says.
The book has chapters with straightforward titles like: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you, he’s just not that into you if he’s married or he’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, bully, or a really big freak. It answers all the questions women want to know about why their relationships have failed in the past. Even though these answers should be obvious, it appears as though women need to hear them from a man in order to believe them.
Behrendt and Tucillo hoped their book would help women realize that they are smart, beautiful, funny women who don’t need to waste their time with men who don’t respect them. As Behrendt says, “Don’t waste the pretty.” They want to save women the agony of wondering why a guy didn’t call. They want women to stop making ridiculous excuses and explanations for men’s erratic behavior and just accept the explanation that: He’s just not that into you.
However, women must not look at this in a negative way because, “knowledge is power, and more importantly knowledge saves us time,” said Tucillo in the introduction of the book. Women can save the hours and hours they spend waiting by the phone, obsessing over tiny details with their girlfriends, and go out and find someone who respects them. Behrendt says, “I’m hoping this starts a revolution that gets everyone to step up and behave better. I want women to honor themselves, and I want men to honor women.”
Behrendt and Tucillo appear to have met their goals to impact women across the country. They have created a set of new dating standards for women, which are revolutionizing the way in which women understand men. The book has risen to the top of the Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com lists, and also onto the New York Times bestseller list. The book offers refreshing advice to women confused by the men in their lives. Washington Post staff writer, Roxanne Roberts explains, “Behrendt strips away all the excuses for men [why he didn’t call, isn’t faithful, disappears, won’t commit, etc., etc.]…so that women will stop wasting their time.”
It seems that this new dating trend is sweeping the nation after the overwhelming response from two “Oprah” shows, the “Today” show, and even “20/20.” Oprah clearly believes in Behrendt’s advice, telling her audience that he is “here with the brutal facts that could save you — I say years of heartache.”
Although many praise this new self-help book like Oprah Winfrey does on her show saying, “This book should be on every single woman’s night stand. It really should.” There are also many skeptics out there who don’t think that this book is taking women forward. Meredith Keltner, an SMU sophomore, thinks that “the book may be somewhat true, but it can’t be taken too literally.” She worries that “it might make girls more paranoid or upset if he forgets to call just one time. And then you don’t think he genuinely likes you at all.”
Some other skeptics believe that it is a step backward in equality between men and women. Claiming that this book sends the message to women to act submissive and wait around for “Mr. Right” instead of looking for him actively and confidently. “I don’t think it is wrong for a girl to ask a guy out, although I would never do it,” Keltner states. Behrendt believes the exact opposite, “Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. If we want you we will find you. If you don’t think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.” Behrendt also insists, “When a guy is into you he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, and he can’t keep his eyes or hands off you.”
So, why can’t guys act straightforward with women? Behrendt explains it clearly in the introduction of his book that, “sadly [and most embarrassingly], we would rather lose an arm out a city
bus window than tell you simply, ‘You’re not the one.’” Men’s fear of confrontation stems from the fact that men can get physical with each other when they get angry, but they don’t know where an argument with a woman could go. So, can women handle the cold, hard truth or do they prefer the comfortable illusion? Tucillo says in the Star-Telegram that “Based on the popularity of the book, I think it’s a love-hate relationship, in that they don’t want to hear it, but yet they desperately want to hear it.” Ultimately Tucillo says, “I think women making excuses for men who are ultimately just not that into them is a widespread behavior whose time has come to an end. We hope. And I guess everybody felt it and we put a name on it.”
