I think everyone wants his or her first kiss to be like “The Notebook.” Most ladies would agree, yes? But there’s just one problem: I’m not Ryan Gosling and she wasn’t Rachel McAdams. I was a young, strapping lad of 13 and she was a beautiful darling of 14. Ah, what a cougar she was! To quote Salinger: “She was a girl, who for a ringing phone, dropped exactly nothing.” Not exactly.

Her name was “Juliet” (that’s a cover-up), and she was into metal music and the gothic lifestyle. She claimed to have liked Hot Topic before it became socially unacceptable to shop there. Her parents didn’t understand her, and she thought if she could just run away all her problems would disappear. Nobody understood her. She was a recluse, and somehow I ended up with her. Juliet was my first real girlfriend. I had a little crush on a different girl in Kindergarten and then in 6th grade, but nothing like Juliet. I don’t know what exactly drew me to her. I spoke with her a few weeks ago and asked if I could write about this. She had no problem with it.

I arrived at the movie theatre about 15 minutes early. I stood outside by the box office next to some other guy- some my age, some older. They all had spiked up hair with that “just took a shower” style going. You know, the “I’m-not-sure-how-much-gel-to-use-so-I’ll-just-keep-putting-more-on” look. I would be a liar if I didn’t say that my hair was soaked in gel too. Just then, Juliet showed up. It seemed she had forgotten her purse. My date was mad at her mother because she made her older brother and his best friend come to the movie with us. Oh, and nobody understood her. Yeah, we get that. You’re different. We know.

She was about 15 minutes late and we walked into the theatre, just catching the end of the trailers. I hated that! The trailers are my favorite part. I always thought they should be at the end. So, Juliet and I found a spot on the second to last row in the movie theater, while her brother and his friend sat directly behind us. That’s just perfect. Thank you, Tybalt.

The movie began (“Scary Movie 3”, in case anyone was wondering), and already my nerves were acting up. Why am I sweating under my arms? Was I getting taller? Was there hair growing above my upper lip? Was this that puberty thing everyone talked about? Why was it happening now?

I counted to 10 in my head and decided to grab her hand. It worked. Success! I have gone to second base now. A few minutes passed. I looked at her, she looked at me.

“This is it man! You can do it!” I thought to myself.

We went in for the kiss. My mouth was wide open and my tongue was going wild. She decided she only wanted a peck. I ended up basically eating her lips. Fail. A few more minutes pass. We try again. Same thing, but with roles reversed; she ended up eating my lips while I took the conservative route. This was not going well. Finally, on the third time we connect. Wow! This is kind of good. I like this.

“Stop.” she says.

Did I upset her?

“What’s wrong, Juliet?”

“I just have to stop every once in a while; my allergies are acting up and I can’t breathe out of my nose. I can only breathe out of my mouth.”

Wow. Whatever. We continued kissing but took a pit stop every once in a while so she could breathe. Suddenly, I felt a warm liquid in my mouth. What was that? Well, mystery solved. It was my upper lip, which Juliet had cut with her braces. I was now the proud owner of a cut lip and could not stop bleeding. I had to grab a napkin that reeked of pickles and popcorn and hold it to my mouth, every once in a while, succumbing to the smell and gagging. We finally made the decision to leave the movie. Outside the theater, Juliet’s brother, Tybalt, expressed his disapproval and anger.

“Man that movie was so funny… I can’t believe we had to leave… This is so stupid…You are so stupid. Who cuts himself open on his first date? You are so dumb. Of everyone I know, you are the biggest idiot.”

“Leave him alone, Tybalt! Look, I’m really sorry about how badly tonight went. I really like hanging out with you and stuff, but I don’t think it’s gonna work. Sorry. Okay see you Monday. Bye!”

So what did we learn from all this? The first kiss isn’t going to be like “The Notebook.” If you’re a late bloomer, who cares. Everyone comes around at some point. I went on to have a successful personal life in high school, so something like this didn’t really set me back.

And the movie was really bad.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment [email protected].