Brett Favre is a tool. A gigantic tool, at that. Not only for keeping himself the main topic of “SportsCenter” all summer, but also because he pulled an illegal block on Monday Night Football this past Monday.
All summer, I turned on ESPN to find out the Astros’ score, what was happening with the Cowboys or when the University of Texas’ football season was starting up. Instead, I was forced to listen to the same old story of “Brett Favre may not be retired!”
This guy is old. Really, really old. He looks like my grandfather with a head full of white hair and bags under his eyes from crying every night thinking about just how old he is. He even uses a cane on the football field (Well, maybe I’m exaggerating).
This is like if I used to be a master sandwich maker at Jimmy John’s. Over the years, I’ve lost it a bit, but still keep on making sandwiches. My family begs me, “Please, Dad. Don’t go back to work at Jimmy John’s! Be the father you never were in our youth because you were traveling every other Sunday.” But I don’t listen to them. Instead, I call Jimmy John’s and tell them that I might be coming back to work. Now they have to wait around and see if I’m going to come back and make sandwiches when they could spend time getting a sandwich maker to lead their Jimmy John’s store to success. But then, at the last minute, I decide to come back and Jimmy John’s pays me $25 million.
I get it, Brett. You want money, and that’s okay. Everybody wants money. But maybe you could sell insurance in Mississippi or do used-car dealership commercials.
Another problem I have with Favre is the crackback block he pulled on Houston Texans safety Eugene Wilson.
A lot of the pro-Favre fans will argue, “Oh, he was just showing the new guy how it’s done. Welcome to football, Eugene Wilson!”
Well, to quote Mike Tirico, “That wasn’t cool.”
Trying to take someone’s knees out isn’t cool. Possibly ending Eugene Wilson’s career isn’t cool. Owning a monkey or a giraffe is cool. Now, I’m a little biased because I’m from Houston and the Texans are my team, but still, that was a pretty dirty play.
How would Brett Favre like it if I punched him in the knees? Not very much.
It’s time for you to go home to Gulfport, Mississippi, Brett Favre. Car dealerships are waiting on you.
John Paul Green is a sophomore theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
