When I first heard that the presidential library of George W. Bush was going to be at my university, I was shocked.

How were we able to land this awesome piece of history? I mean, everyone wanted this library. And we, Southern Methodist University, got it.

I do, however, have a few problems with this library, and as my readers of previous articles will know, I like to list my problems. (Stop reading now, Riley Moore, you’ll hate this article).

The first major problem is that the library destroyed the massive area of land that was previously known as “The Binkleys.” Now, before I got to SMU, the Binkley Apartments were a safe haven for students. You would enter the lottery and pray that you got an apartment.

These apartments were still listed in the information packet when I applied to SMU, so I was hoping to be selected for one of these apartments in my sophomore year. Well, Bush’s library had that land demolished and now I won’t be moving in.

The second problem I have with the library is that it will draw bloodthirsty liberals who will protest day and night about how evil Bush was. Sure, he completely bumbled Hurricane Katrina and tried to cover up the CIA leak, but come on people, he’s human. Yes, he’s a little slow, but he can dodge a shoe better than anyone I’ve ever seen.

All I’m saying is that with all the press coverage from those bleeding-heart liberals at CNN and MSNBC, our presidential library would be under attack were it not for the help of Fox News to give us fair and balanced news.

The last major problem I have is the book selection. Now, I know you liberals are getting a good laugh here saying, “Wait, Bush can read?” or “How many books will he have, four?” Well, you left-wingers, I can tell you right now, the Bush Library will have six books, so why don’t you chew on that for a while?

I’ve read some Web sites that list Bush’s favorite books, and I’d like to propose some to include in his library. “The Pet Goat” would have to make the list, as this was the book that Mr. Bush continued to read to children for nearly seven minutes after being told that New York had been attacked. “Finnegans Wake” would be an excellent addition to the library, as it would be a struggle for most readers to enjoy, but not Bush; he would soar through the idioglossia in the book like butter on a hot cake. The last idea suggestion I have is “Once Upon a Potty,” for obvious reasons.

Hopefully this library will be a lot of fun. I heard rumors of a waterboarding exhibit where you can, for a fee, be interrogated just like our great country would interrogate suspects. Pretzels and cocaine will be flowing freely in the visitor center for all to enjoy.

And for those critics who say, “President Bush is a monster,” or “President Bush is a complete idiot who knows nothing about anything and should be thrown in prison for war crimes,” or even, “I hate President Bush! He shouldn’t get a library,” I say, “Bush won fair and square.” I mean, look at the 2000 Election in Florida; no problems there right?

In all seriousness, this library is going to suck.

John Paul Green is a sophomore theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].