The Swine Flu seems to be sweeping its way through SMU.

I think I’ll get it sooner rather than later, which is good news for those of you who hate my writing.

I think people are getting a little paranoid about the Swine Flu.

First of all, it’s the flu. People get the flu every year. It’s just that there’s no available vaccination yet. But I hear there will be one soon.

The flu sucks, or so I’m told. I’ve never gotten the flu in my life (knock on wood) and the Tom Thumb, where I got my flu shot this year, told me I was one of the first people in Texas to get this year’s flu vaccination.

Maybe I won’t get the Swine Flu because my body will just think it’s the normal flu and the vaccination will work. My body is pretty sneaky. For example, it made me handsome, tall and muscular. Looking at my family, I should be old, bald and smelly.

If I do get the Swine Flu, I’d like the doctor to put on a little pink sock puppet with googly eyes and tell me that I have “piggy flu” instead of the Swine Flu. I’ll still be upset that I have the flu, but at lease I can giggle at the little piggy puppet and then three hours later realize that I’m going to be in the bathroom a lot.

Another problem I have with the Swine Flu is that it takes all of my friends out of commission.

I have a birthday coming up, and every year, something seems to dominate my birthday. For example, for my 16th birthday, the gigantic hurricane known as Hurricane Rita decided to scare everyone in a post-Katrina environment. School was canceled, people panicked, and, most importantly, everyone missed my birthday.

But the major issue I have with the Swine Flu is that it makes me scared to eat bacon. I know that I can’t get the Swine Flu from bacon, but still, every time I eat that delicious strip I get a little paranoid that the little piggy which I am engulfing had a little cold as he was being led away to the great hog pen in the sky.

And since I have nothing else to write about this week, we have time for an e-mail:

Dear JP,

Simon

Go to the doctor, Simon.

John Paul Green is a sophomore theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].