The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus


The truth as I see it

Farsight 2007: The presidential breakdown

Osama Bin Laden does not need to do a thing to ruin America; our presidential candidates will do it for him.

Seriously, can one of the men, including Hillary, give a single, straightforward, honest answer? Watching these adults answering questions like a six year old who broke the cookie jar makes me sick.

Joe Biden is the I-seriously-remind-everyone-of-Bill-Clinton candidate. He’s got a pretty solid platform of not being a dumb ass, which is admirable in a candidate. And he won’t shut up about his systematic solution to Iraq. During the YouTube debates, by far the most hilarious recurring political debacle to date, Biden seemed to be speaking from the gut and produced the smallest waves on the Geiger counter.

Mike Gravel rules. Mike Gravel needs to team up with Mike Huckabee and run on a, “We’re old, Mike and serious” campaign. They both seem like the kind of guy you could sit down and have a beer with. Just looking at them I get the feeling they would rather be out hunting bears or cooking over an open fire. That makes them good people, and good people are hard to find.

Next up on the list of candidates is Barack Obama. Nobody can sleaze like Barack. When the guy first spoke to the Democratic National Convention four years ago, he came off as a charming, upstanding American hero. When he speaks at the debates, you can almost see the speech writers glinting in his eyes while his carefully timed and rehearsed answer dribbles off his chin like political crack dust.

Hillary Clinton can go to hell, too. How is she going to stand up for America if she can’t even take a stand against her philandering husband? I mean, the guy banged an intern. What a real man does is seduce and betray a foreign dignitary- a high-class Moroccan spy whose intentions become poisoned by her emotional turmoil.

What Clinton did was cash in his chips early, banking on the “I’m older than you” routine which is basically tantamount to hunting rabbits with a howitzer. Any geek can get a younger chick, so if our own president wants to roll, let us at least see him roll with someone in an equal position of power.

The president’s gotta have game. That’s why Kerry should have won. Kerry had mad game, and honestly, at least he had the sense to marry rich instead of banking on his daddy. Kerry made his own fortune, and who cares if she had a face like a truck, the witch was rich. Hillary stayed with Bill because she knew she couldn’t do any better.

Hillary Clinton deserves to lose because she can’t answer a simple question like, “What is your favorite baseball team?” That’s not class or quality, that’s not having a spine.

Bill Richardson deserves to lose because he allows Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio to live. If you don’t know who he is, look him up. I hope his kids get addicted to pot.

Richardson also worked as the Secretary of Energy, where he gave like 90,000 acres of land back to Native American tribes, which is by far the least American-like thing to do. He’s also brokered a cease-fire in Darfur, not to mention soldier and hostage releases in Cuba, North Korea and Iraq. This man clearly negotiates with terrorists and needs to go to prison.

Well, that’s all the important candidates. Everybody else either lies too much or simply doesn’t lie well enough mention.

There are a million small parties. The Green Party is led by Kat Swift. But for girls, the name ‘Kat’ is synonymous with, “I like being on my back.” And with a name like Swift, you just know nobody called her back because they never had to ask in the first place.

America actually has a Constitution Party, which is about as electable as any of our Founding Fathers, and a few other parties, all of which shake the boat slightly less than the Democratic party’s new donkey mascot.

The Republican shark tank contains a hell of a lot more drama.

John McCain could have and should have been the vice president to Wesley Clark, but the guy has unfortunately changed since his time fighting for the nomination back in 2000.

Another person who has changed since then is Rudy Giuliani. Mr. September 11th has gained a lot of press and loves to brag about his role in reducing New York City crime. If you’ve ever read “Freakonomics,” you understand that what he did with his mistress has more to do with the decrease in crime than anything else.

Giuliani deserves credit for being nuts out the butt and proud of it. He needs to be kicked in the ass for accepting British knighthood if he even remotely cares about the Oval Office. And for a man deemed such as visionary, can he wake up, live in the present and never again mention 9-11? From the way he talks you’d think he was in the gunner’s seat of a Bofors knocking Boeings out of the sky all day.

Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee seem like awful politicians in the best way imaginable. Look up Huckabee; he is going to make an awesome State of the Union address. People who plan on voting for Hillary should go ahead and cash in on the Huckster because there aren’t any other politicians from Arkansas, and at least he has a pair.

Fred Thompson rules for a lot of reasons. The man vibrates your bones with goodness. I can’t really put my finger on it, but you have to respect a man who campaigned and won a place in the Senate out of the back of a pick-up truck.

Finally, there’s Ron Paul. Ron Paul will not win or be nominated because he has his head way to far from his ass. It’s stuck on his shoulders and America is just not ready for that kind of president right now.

Case in point: Britney Spears’ custody battle makes CNN midday news. Don’t we have a war going on?

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