I think after 1 a.m., phones should be programmed to not be able to call any person you may have dated in the past. I’m supporting proposition 32, which puts a block on all calls to ex’s.

Some of you may know what I’m talking about; others might be luckier. I’ll put it in two different ways for both of these demographics.

Your MacBook reads 1:57 a.m. It’s almost laughing at you. You have so much homework, but you are so tired. You start to doze when all of a sudden, a song comes on your iTunes. “Wow”, you say to yourself, “I haven’t heard this song in forever!”

Then suddenly, all these feelings come rushing back to you. You see, someone thought it would be a great idea to pick out a song for you guys to listen to together. And someone said that I was the only one who meant something to her and that I was special and cute. And then that certain someone decided to start going out with the second string running back of your high school football team.

“He doesn’t even play any football, Amber! What do you see in him? I’m the one you want! I hate you! I’m sorry! Please come back to me!”

So you guys will go to college together and he’ll never play football again. You both graduate and he will start his own insurance agency and become very successful. So successful in fact that you will never have to work a day in your life. That journalism degree was really worth it, wasn’t it?

But I’m not bitter…

Why do songs evoke certain emotions within us? Every time Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye is played, everyone stands up and moves around dancing, or tries to hit those high notes. You know Todd, whenever you sing it like that it sounds ten times better than Marvin Gaye could ever sing it. Will you just sing louder so I don’t have to hear Marvin Gaye anymore?

Every time the Shins play, I feel like I should quit my job and live in Alaska. When Nirvana is played, I feel like I’m somewhat involved in Kurt Cobain’s demise. After all, I bought their albums and made him famous and in turn made him crumble. What about Lil’ Wayne? I dance. A lot.

Whenever I am driving my car, and people are in it, I feel like I am always having to entertain them with my music. I’ll choose a song, and I’ll hear silence. If I hear singing, I know I picked the right one. Apparently, I have a disorder where I can’t finish an entire song; I have to change it before it ends.

It’s not a disorder really, I just feel like my music isn’t adequate. Sometimes I don’t want people flipping through my iPod. I would be so embarrassed to find out that all my friends are giggling at me because I have a Peter Frampton song or NSYNC’s No Strings Attached album. It’s not my fault I like them.

So the next time you’re driving around with people in the car, put on a universal song that everyone likes. Like Maroon 5. Vveryone likes Maroon 5. Or tomorrow night when you are working on a paper and you hear that song that you and your high school sweetheart picked out in 11th grade, put your phone down. Don’t call that person; they aren’t thinking about you. Trust me. It’s pointless. Because that person has probably already moved on, and sure as sugar isn’t thinking about you while she’s watching a movie with a guy who owns a skateboard and played in a band in high school.

P.S. Amber, if you’re reading this, please call me back.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].