As the semester draws its last few, stressful breaths, I thought we could all use a look back on the year that’s just passed. So here it is, the (almost true) year in review:
August: Hordes of freshmen descend on campus. They say teary goodbyes to their parents. FREEDOM!
Students go to buy their books. Intro to astrophysics looks like a bit too much reading. Everyone switches to Leisure Studies 101.
Classes begin. Leisure Studies 101 turns out to be really hard. General despair sweeps campus.
People get angry about health care. They call each other mean names.
SMU drops two places in the prestigious U.S. News & World Report rankings. The quality of our education suffers significantly.
The great Senator Edward Kennedy dies. America mourns a statesman.
September: The-Virus-Formerly-Known-as-Swine-Flu hits campus. Students look suspiciously at one another. Anyone with a cough is sequestered in a sterilized room and dropped in a vat of hand sanitizer.
Obama tries to talk to schoolchildren. Many parents object to his message of staying in school and studying hard. Several local school districts ban his socialist message.
People remain angry about health care. Some march on Washington. Obama gives a speech to Congress.
I appear topless on the front page of The Daily Campus. Women everywhere swoon.
Kanye West disrespects Taylor Swift. What a jerk.
The Texas State Fair allows everyone to indulge in an orgy of overindulgence. Deep-fried butter is somehow allowed to be served.
October: The International Olympic Committee disrespects Chicago. Obama broods.
SMU loses to TCU. Everyone is shocked.
Obama is given the Nobel Peace Prize. He’s no longer bummed about that whole Olympics thing.
Two mustangs threaten Peruna’s dominance. Jake Torres calls the student body to arms.
Cue the band: The recession is officially over. Can’t you tell?
H1N1 gets worse. Obama declares a national emergency. People use this as an excuse to get even angrier about health care.
November: “Precious” hits theaters. The fact that someone named Sapphire wrote a novel called “Push” is forever branded in our memories.
Major Nidal Malik Hasan goes on a shooting rampage at Fort Hood. America loses 12 heroes.
The newest “Twilight” movie comes out. I don’t go at midnight. I definitely don’t do that.
You guessed it: People are still upset about health care.
Oprah announces she’ll retire from her talk show. Americans wonder who will tell them what to read from now on.
Tiger Woods gets in a car accident. Stories about his marital infidelities begin to surface. They’re really, really ridiculous. And a little sad.
December: Student Senate votes against the LGBT seat. It’s not like gay people have special interests they need represented.
“Avatar” comes out. Americans realize that blue people have feelings, too.
Someone steals the famous sign from Auschwitz. That someone is a terrible human being.
Health care reform bills pass both houses of Congress. People are still really angry.
SMU beats Nevada at the Hawaii Bowl. I take back all the mean jokes I ever made about June Jones and the Mustangs.
January: It turns out that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made some racist remarks during the 2008 campaign. They turn out to be only the 17th most offensive thing Harry Reid has ever said.
Sarah Palin announces she’s got a job on Fox News. She turns out to be only the 17th stupidest person on Fox.
An earthquake strikes Haiti. All over America, including on the SMU campus, relief organizations rally to support the victims.
Scott Brown wins a special election for the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts. People get really, really, REALLY mad about health care.
The Daily Campus runs a picture of Torlan Pittman, a student arrested on sexual assault charges, next to a teaser for a story on Obama. We apologize for our ridiculously embarrassing mistake.
The Supreme Court rules that corporations have a right to free speech. Obama disrespects the justices in his State of the Union.
February: SMU passes its own health care bill and makes student health insurance mandatory.
The Saints win the Super Bowl. People feel fuzzy for the city of New Orleans.
It snows in Dallas. In freakin’ Dallas for God’s sake.
Tiger Woods says he’s really sorry about the whole hooking-up-with-a-porn-star thing.
Obama invites members of both parties to a “health care summit.” He says some snippy things to Republicans. Anger continues its cataclysmic rise.
March: The U.S. Senate passes a jobs bill. Clap your hands if you believe in bipartisanship.
ChatRoulette becomes a thing. 40-year-old men everywhere get the chance to flaunt their junk to the rest of the world.
St. Patrick’s Day happens. Greenville reeks of beer and sweaty, green-clad college students.
Our long national cluster-(you know what) is over: Health care reform becomes law. Comrade Biden says a bad word in Comrade Obama’s ear.
April: Jake Torres becomes student body president. All that campaigning for Peruna was worth it.
Donald Trump fires Rod Blagojevich on “The Celebrity Apprentice.”
SMU relays for life. It’s lots of fun and for a good cause.
The Daily Campus investigates the Board of Trustees. Some people complain that we were too mean to the poor Board. Louis Brandeis just laughs.
Program Council’s “Code Red Concert” is shut down for being too loud. Residents of University Park shove that stick even further into their tuchasses (tuchi?).
May: Finals week starts. Red Bulls for everyone.
The school year ends. We forget all the information we’ve crammed into our heads and return to a state of ignorant bliss.
Here’s wishing everyone a safe and enjoyable summer. I’ll see you next year.
Nathaniel French is a junior theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
