The Apocalypse is near

First, this epistle bears a warning: THE APOCALYPSE IS NEAR! Butthere’s nothing you can do about it, so you might as welllather on some sun block and enjoy the imminent horror as best youcan. You can write your congressperson and warn him or her, butCongress probably already knows. We live in the New Roman Empireand Caesar Bush wants you to waste the rest of your short lives atthe Coliseum games lest you recognize his gross ineptitude.

My name is Luke Anton Wilson. Some of the faculty may rememberme (with varying degrees of love or hate), but I doubt any of theundergraduates will. There was a time when I was a minor celebrityat SMU, when the words that I’d write would appear on thispage and consume valuable class time. If you’re reading thisduring a boring lecture, you may have been a fan of mine for yearsand didn’t know it.

I wrote for the disenchanted and the hung-over, for those withbloodshot eyes, for people who’ve seen Fight Club a few toomany times, for whores and whoremongers, and for all the perfectkids who are unwilling to claim membership in any of theaforementioned categories. It never occurred to me that theprofessors might also partake of the weekly dishes of aimlessnarcissistic humor that I served.

Meadows graduated me in 1999 with a cinema degree, thus robbingthe SMU community of my exceptional capacity for entertaining.Well, I am here to fill that void if only for this one issue of TheDaily Campus, you lucky bastards. The question is, am I doing you adisservice by piquing your taste buds with such savory flavors?Perhaps, you are too numb to care; in which case, I congratulatethe crapulence overlooked and/or afforded by your parents.

While I’m in town, I have been asked to comment on theaffirmative action situation and on whether Dallas has improvedsince I left. With regards to the former issue, I have no right tocomment, since I’m not black, and I doubt it’s everaffected me personally. Well, affirmative action might have been acontributing factor for my being wait-listed at my No. 1 choice ofhigher education. So what?

What are you saying, Luke? Are you implying that SMUwasn’t your first choice?

Sorry, kids, you can’t always get what you want, and Ididn’t get what I thought I wanted when I was 17 years old.My interest in SMU was engendered in the basest of motivations: itseemed like the best school to chase tail. Let’s face it,fellas, it is.

SMU also provided me with an excellent, well-rounded educationfrom which I will continue to profit for many years. Half a decade,studying history, political science, English and film with suchbrilliant minds — what could be better satisfy my lust forknowledge?

At the same time, there were the honeys. What greater evidenceof the veritable catalogue of eager nubile females offered by SMUthan a few choice selections from the Girls Gone Wild videoseries?

Has Dallas gotten better? No, it’s still a giganticshopping mall with parking available on 75 and 35E. Dallas is ateenager that desperately wants to be taken seriously, but it sureis a lot of fun at parties.

I say to you, SMU students, DON’T LEAVE! While the worldis going to hell all around you, Lovers, Mockingbird, Hillcrest andGreenville are the walls of Eden.

Luke Wilson may be contacted at [email protected] by anypissed off faculty or students who want to give Mr. Wilson a pieceof their mind. Curiously, any persons with positive feedback forMr. Wilson may contact him at the same address.