Guy Talk

For those of you who have never read this column before,congratulations, you are about to lose your Guy Talk virginity.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and don’t be mad if Idon’t call tomorrow. Too bad they didn’t prepare youfor this in fifth-grade sex education.

I have heard from numerous people (OK … 12) that manystudents have heard of my column, but they don’t have Fridayclass so they miss out. Well today I thought I would give you alittle dose of what you’ve been missing.

A week without Guy Talk is kind of like a week without a hickey.If you’ve never gotten one, you’re not missing a thing,but once you get one, you can’t go a week without it. Mightthink twice about taking Fridays off next semester after readingthis one.

First, I will give you a little recap of whom I am and what GuyTalk is all about. My name is Guy Bellaver — see that iswhere the creative title comes from. I’m from Illinois— the S is silent moron. See I have used that one before, butfor you rookies I’m going to have to take some babysteps.

The idea of Guy Talk is for students to write in to an e-mailaddress I provide and ask questions on topics from school to sociallife to hot spots in Delaware.

Usually I have the answers, but sometimes I’m forced tojust make them up. Hey, no harm, no foul. Luckily people write inabout as often as I win money playing “Jeopardy” ontelevision.

Unfortunately, many students don’t have the time to writein, and so I’m stuck rambling until the tips of my fingersstart to bleed.

It bothers me that students have the time to call a friend afteran 8 a.m. class, but can’t find the time to holla at me viae-mail. Does anyone else ever wonder whom everyone is calling? Ican imagine the calls are something like this …

While reading this make sure to read part G allowed in a girlvoice and B in a boy voice.

G: “Hey, what’s up? How have you been? Ihaven’t talked to you in like two months.”

B: “Do you know what time it is?”

G: “Sure. It is like nine o’clock. I just got out ofclass. So what are you doing? How have you been?”

B: “I just woke up when you called.”

G: “No biggie. I just wanted to chat so that I don’thave to walk across campus alone and make eye contact with any ofmy fellow students, even though I showered, put on makeup, andI’m wearing this cute new pajama outfit.”

B: “Do you realize I go to school on the WestCoast?”

G: “Sure, I bet it is so nice out there.”

B: “Sure, I bet it is like seven o’clock out hereand if you ever call me this early again …”

G: “Don’t worry. I made it to my car.Bye!”

I started writing Guy Talk because someone told me I could getpaid $8 per article. I figured it would be a good way to make somemoney to cover the cost of going school.

Then last week I calculated I would have to write just over 800articles a week for an entire semester just to pay onesemester’s tuition.

Because of the positive response I have received from thereaders, I submitted a request for a modest $187-an-articleraise.

For now, I’m forced to write for my love of writing, whichis almost as strong as my love for being run over by elephants andthen being thrown off a cliff.

If you are having trouble following my thought process,don’t be alarmed. So am I. For you first-time readers, itmight be best to finish the article sitting down and having a glassof milk and cookies. I know what you are thinking, who cares whatthe cookies cost.

I have been asked if I think it is weird getting e-mails fromrandom people and then responding. I guess that would depend on howyou define weird.

Some doctors get paid to make random young men they don’tknow drop their pants and cough. I don’t look so weird now,do I?

I tried to take it easy and move slowly. Sometimes speed can bemy downfall. For your first-timers out there, I hope you enjoyed.This one-time deal is your only chance to shoot the S#@! withme.

Now you are going to have to find a way to get your hands on theFriday edition. I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t makeit pick up The Daily Campus and turn to page two.

I will keep the laughs coming; you just keep coming back formore. This could be the start of a beautiful thing.

To all the vets out there, same time and same place onFriday.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns please e-mailGuy at [email protected].