Why we’re underdogs

Football games are as much a part of the undergraduate experience as procrastination.

I remember the first game I attended as a student. Held at the wretched stadium known as the Cotton Bowl, we hosted Arkansas to open the season. I wore an SMU T-shirt. I talked trash with the Razorback folk. Sadly, we were handily whipped that day. I also remember the first game held at the immaculate Ford Stadium. That day we were victorious. Similar successes have been rare since.

The problem is that our beloved team isn’t very good. So far this year, in fact, we’ve stunk. We’ve been outscored 131 to 43. That’s 22 points a game. Oddly enough, our opponent this Saturday, Hawaii, is favored by exactly 22. A spread of that magnitude is extremely rare. In short, nobody is giving our boys a chance. One reason for this dim outlook may be that our team’s offense ranks 97th in the nation even with HB Keylon Kincade averaging 116.5 yards per game. Overall, our team is ranked 104 out of 117 NCAA teams.

I guess our real problem now is that we just hired this Bennett guy. It’s too bad that he isn’t in the third year of a four-year contract or something, because then we could fire him without the awkward phone call.

Maybe it’s that we’re jinxed. Every Friday I look in The Daily Campus and see that a number of SMU persons have picked our team to win. Everyone from sports editors to Frank the janitor believes we will topple our opponent. But we can’t really blame these guys, can we?

You know whom I blame? The garish, fetid miscreants who put SMU football on the death penalty. Let’s be real – a full ride scholarship is a side mouth away from bribery. Why can’t we just go the extra mile? Heck, we’ve got alumni with pockets deeper than the Pacific, so why not throw a little scratch to our gridiron greats?

I don’t think of it as wrong. I attend our school on a small but noble scholarship. Astonishingly enough, I do not maintain a 4.0 grade point average. If I was given extra cash beyond tuition for coming here, however, I would be much closer. Benefits packages never hurt anyone.

So the question is, why did the NCAA have to stick their noses into the hilltop?

We were a national powerhouse! Eric Dickerson was once our running back! It’s not really much of a wonder how we got him here. We paid him the scrilla. Honestly, if we ever hope to again crack the top 25, we must return to our alms giving policies.

And why the heck not? We’ve already been caught twice, who cares if we make it three? It wouldn’t even be all that bad if we were caught again. What do we have to lose? Rankings wise, there are only 13 teams worse than us.

All of the talent that filters out of the Dallas area to schools such as UT – they could be Mustangs. An SUV here, a few free dinners there, look out Orange Bowl, here we come. It doesn’t appear as though we’re going to a bowl any time soon, and there are roughly 4,000 bowl games each year. It is only a matter of time until we hear about the Safe Sex Bowl, sponsored by Trojan Condoms.

But that’s okay. I think we can turn it around. While next recruitment season we can dish the dough. Right now we must focus on this season.

At the start of the year, I predicted that SMU would win the national championship. It appears as though that insight will not materialize. Fear not.

It will be a beautiful Hawaiian day on Saturday. An ocean breeze will fill the Aloha Bowl, and our team will take the field with a lust and vigor rarely seen. We will defy the odds; we will beat the Rainbows. My prediction? SMU 2, Hawaii 0.