Guy Talk

I have talked all semester and now my throat is soar. I have noproblem admitting failure. My attempt to share knowledge andconverse with the student body was nothing short of a disaster.Trying to create a structured reader response from this studentbody is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. However,in a desperate and last-ditch effort, I again thrust my knowledgeinto the reader’s world in hopes of helping at least one ofmy fellow students. You got me — I really just hope some hot,single chick e-mails me and asks me to play a game of Santa and thebad girl for Christmas.

Yes, it is that time of year. No, not when you lick a light poleand your tongue stays stuck. Finals time. For many Mustangsthis time of year is just another day at the office. For others theworld seems to stop and the focus turns completely to school. Forfirst-years, this is your first glimpse of the other side ofcollege we know as academics. Wake up — this isn’t Ms.Duseldorf’s end-of-the-year geography test. This is death byfinal exam. However, being the nice guy that I am, I have decidedto share a few final preparation tips.

My first recommendation would have been to sleep with yourprofessor all semester, but it is probably too late for that now.So we are really going to have to work. Pay attention.

OK, everybody needs to find a study buddy. Let me clarify. Notthe so-called “study buddy” you have been using allsemester that lives on the floor below you and sometimesisn’t busy when you come home late Wednesday night. Youactually need to pick somebody from your class. If you don’tknow anybody from your class because you haven’t gone allsemester, ask a person you have a crush on. Then say, “Wait,you aren’t in my English class.” By then, hopefully youhave already exchanged phone numbers. Cha-ching, first date whenfinals end. Thank me later. Now get back to work. 

Once you find your study buddy, you need to prepare yoursupplies. For the most beneficial night of studying, there are afew must buys.

• Pop – Caffeine is your best friend.

• Pizza – Delivery guys were born to bring you food whileyou study.

• Clean underwear – If you have to go 60 hours straightwithout sleep, just keep two pair of spare underwear in your bagand change every 20 hours.

• A picture of a donkey running off a cliff – Why youask? Just when you want to go nuts because you can’t see outof your left eye and your right arm hasn’t moved in threehours, you can look at the picture and think, “Could beworse, at least I didn’t just run off the cliff.”

I would also recommend that you bring the books from the subjectyou are studying and some pens and stuff.

Let’s jump subjects real fast. If you have to write a termpaper to finish off the semester, try working magic.

Start by typing your paper single-spaced in size 10 Times NewRoman font. After at least 17 or 18 minutes of quality writing,just when you don’t think you can go anymore, makeit happen. Change to double-spaced, size 12, Courier Newfont.

Your paper will magically transform from a one-page slackerreview into a brilliantly developed and well-structured 10-pageterm paper. Paper writing is easy.

Every week I come up to the DC and have to write this article ina couple of hours. I sit behind the computer screen and blab aboutnothing. By the time I leave, I still haven’t generated anyoriginal ideas, plus I don’t have anything really relevant totalk about. However, I do end up filling the page and giving yousomething to read the next day. This might be the approach to takeon your final papers. Try some funny one-liners or something silly;people like silly. Then just pray your professor grades your paperafter happy hour at the Green Elephant (for you underagefirst-years, that is a bar down the street).

As the week moves on, remember what is important in life.Straight A’s.

Psych! Straight A’s are one of the most overratedaccomplishments you will ever encounter in your life. Hey smartguy, you got straight A’s, but can you tie a cherry stem in aknot with your tongue? Loser.

Sesame Street taught you the only important things you will everreally need to know in life. How to count to 10 in Spanish, how totie your shoe, which one of these things doesn’t belong andwords that start with the letter F. School after that is simply onebig stall tactic by corporate America so that you don’t bustinto the workplace at the age of 12 and steal the job of some guywho is so old he learned math on a slide rule. That means you,Dad.

As the week moves on, the finals will start to grind on you, andyou might lose some sleep. The dude that works the night shift at7-Eleven will have your Dad’s credit card number memorized bythe end of the week. Don’t stress. Just think when it is allover you get one month off before you have to come back and do itall over again.

I’m freaking out man, I got to go, the little man on myshoulder says it is time to get back to studying.