Guy Talk

Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn — so many thingsto be thankful for, especially the two-for-one sale on Pepto-Bismolat Kroger. Let me start by saying that if the opportunity arises,never, I mean never, take the middle seat in a cramped airplanejust to move up six rows. You will be sure to be greeted by a manon your right that hasn’t showered in a couple days (give ortake two years) and a lady that feels her sole purpose in life isto explain why her puppy hasn’t grasped the concept of peeingoutside.

With that said, as I returned from my trip up North for theholiday, I had plenty of time to reflect on the things I’mthankful for in life.

I’m thankful for the guy that invented short shorts.However, I’m more thankful for the guy that decided to putwriting across the backside of those shorts. It doesn’t countas staring if you are simply trying to read the writing.

I couldn’t be more thankful for the invention ofelectricity. Without it there would be no power. Without power ourcomputers don’t work. If computers don’t work then wecan’t access the Internet. With no Internet access therewould be no way for Ms. Hilton to share some of her finer assetswith the rest of the world.

I didn’t realize it until three days ago, but Icouldn’t be more thankful to be attending SMU. All thosesilly looking morons invaded our home turf on Saturday, and itlooked like we were preparing for a Barney blowout bonanza. What aridiculous looking color, isn’t it bad enough that the teamis named after a silly frog. Ooh wait, it has horns, how ferocious.Purple, what the heck kind of color is purple? How many stupidpeople does it take to come up with the idea to be purple? Were allof the real colors taken?

“Hey, Billy-Jo?”

“Yeah, Tommy-John?”

“Them Mustangs took all the good colors?”

“Well gosh darn Billy-John, just mix their colors togetherand use that one.?”

“Dang Tommy-John, you are so smart. Race you to thetractors?”

I’m so thankful that the North won the Civil War. Imaginewhere we would be without it. The nation’s capital would besomewhere in Mississippi. Marrying your sister would be not onlyacceptable, but preferred. Everyone would dress like the founder ofKFC. The only majors offered in college would be tobacco growingand cotton picking. Every drink in the States would be called Coke,even coffee. Plus, who knows what it would cost just to try and buya cookie?

I’m extremely thankful for Jack, Jim and their buddy Skyy.Without those guys, making it through a family function would bemore difficult than giving birth to water buffalo in the back of aVolvo. Jim and my Aunt get along real well and that makes storytime much easier to sit through.

As the flight from good old Pittsburgh to Dallas moved on, Istarted to feel sick. I don’t know if it was the constantchirping in my ear or the slight breeze that came from my rightcontaining a mixture of body odor and rotten eggs. I quicklystarted to drift in and out of conciseness. In the state betweenlife and death I began to dream of things I wished would change. Iviewed these ideals as my ultimate feeling of thanks.

I would be so thankful if every time someone put a parkingticket on my car their car happened to get towed.

I would be so thankful if the penny was eliminated from theAmerican currency. What is the deal with people leaving theirpennies behind? Do you really think that I want or need your 4-centtip? Keep the change and buy a sense of reality. In 1920 the pennymight have counted for something; it is currently worth less than30-year-old hooker trying to find work at the Neverland Ranch.

I would be so thankful if students that don’t enjoyreading my column would sack up and say something to my face. Irecently received my third e-mail of disapproval, once again noname and a return e-mail address that doesn’t except a reply.If you think so little of what I put to paper feel free to come upto the DC and share your wisdom. Ooh, try not to be two weeks latewith time-sensitive issues. It doesn’t really count asnewsworthy if people in Cambodia know about the event before youturn in your article.

I would be so thankful if I could figure out whatVictoria’s big secret is. I would also love to know how aTwinkie gets blasted with the cream filling. It would be great ifsomebody could show me how the fortune actually gets into thecookie.

The plane landed and I awoke. The lady was wrapping up herstory, and the guy to my right was stretching his arms above hishead and sharing his magnificent aroma with the rest of the world.I reflected on my time in my cramped middle seat.

Life is full of so many great things. Now if only they offeredsleeping as a work-studies class a senior can take secondsemester.

Happy Holidays.