With the start of every New Year comes a list of things toimprove in every person’s life. Lets call them NewYear’s resolutions. For the most part, these”resolutions” are a list of things to ideallyaccomplish over the course of the given year. Usually they consistof lofty expectations and unattainable goals. I would say there isprobably a 0 percent chance people follow through with everyresolution for the entire year.

However, this year I promised myself I would be different. So Ihave made a list of my resolutions and will be more than happy toshare them with you. If you like any of them, feel free to makethem your own.

Workout — Always a good starting point. I want tobegin going to the gym on a regular basis and getting my body intosolid physical shape. Not like huge so I can’t fit through adoor, just fit. I don’t think that working out means you haveto get enormous. I mean if I wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, Iwould just run for governor. If I wanted to be Hulk Hogan, I neverwould have turned down the role for Suburban Commando 2. Maybe justa nice fit, kind of cut, Brad Pitt look. Considering all of the”Saved By The Bell” reruns during the daytime, thiscould prove to be my most difficult task.

Study Regularly — This is only a resolution becausesometimes my mother reads this article online, and I want her tothink that she is getting something out of all of the money she isspending. Study regularly, ha ha, good one.

Smile Daily – Easy as pie. A polite, genuine smilecan change a person’s day. Not as much as a genuine kiss, butsometimes you don’t even know the person, and kisses couldget uncomfortable and awkward. I read in a study that every timeyou smile, you burn 27 calories. I also read in that same articlethat every time you pick your nose, you increase your risk of heartdisease. So I don’t know how reliable the information is.Just imagine how great a day could be if everyone smiled your way,and it wasn’t because you left your fly down again.

Start Dating – It has been almost two years sincemy last true girlfriend. The girl from spring break doesn’tcount because I never learned her name. Most guys won’t admitit, but having a girl in your life can really create a sense ofpersonal worth. I don’t really know where or when to startwith this resolution. I think I could have better luck in Iran. Iwould probably be dating two ladies and a camel as we speak. Myfirst goal is to figure girls out, which could take the year initself. Baby steps.

Stop Swearing — F that!

Be More Respectful – Nothing like a littleR-E-S-P-E-C-T to show somebody you care. There is that old saying,”you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole.”Wrong one. I meant, “treat others as you would like to betreated.” This is definitely something I can work towardsimproving. Often my oddball sense of humor and lack of intelligencecomes off more like I’m just here to make fun of you. When inreality, the only time I make fun of people is when they do stupids—. Sorry, forgot the last resolution. I will work hard toseparate my sarcasm from what some might view as a lack ofrespect.

Beat Pac-Man — Such a simple little game. Or is it?Little yellow chunk of cheese looking dude runs around a maze andeats yellow dots. Stay away from the goofy looking ghost goblindudes and everything is going to be OK. Yeah freakin’ right.That stupid game drives me nuts. There is no way that the ghostsshould be able to turn and kill me right before I’m about toeat the last little dot. Ghosts aren’t even that smart. Theonly thing to come out of the ‘80s that makes less sense isCyndi Lauper’s singing career. I will beat that game.

Start Wearing Underwear — My doctor told me thatthe only way that the rash would go away was if I started wearingunderwear and showering twice a day. While I feel that it should bemy own choice if I want to bag the little fellows, my mother raisedme to follow the doctor’s orders. Which brings about thecentury old debate of boxers, briefs or 100 percent cotton longlegged underwear. Baby Powder and Gold Bond for everyone.

Eat Less Fast Food — 99-cent values meals are thedeath of me. Open until 3 a.m. is the death of me. Super size andextra cheese is the death of me. Free refills on Dr Pepper are thedeath of me. Driving around drunken friends for a late night snacktwice a week is the death of me. Clogged arteries will eventuallybe the true death of me. Wait a minute. I’m working out thisyear.

Eat More Fast Food — It feels good to be gettingback in shape.

Stop Smoking — This will be my “slumpbreaker.” I don’t smoke and never have. Well, I didonce is seventh grade. My older sister’s friend told me I wasgoing to be a cutie in high school and then she asked me to gooutside for a smoke. So I did, and I gagged and choked and coughedthrough that entire thing, but man I felt cool. I finish with thisresolution because if I fail all of the other ones, I know I willhave this one to fall back on. Smart like a fox.

Once I have accomplished these goals I will be a new an improvedperson. I will walk the sidewalks with my head held high and notask will be too large. Aah forget it. I’m just going to gotake a nap.

If you have questions, comments or concerns please contact Guyat [email protected].