Ask Nell in Spain
Q: Dear Nell,
I’m crazy about a guy, but really turned off by his past. Not to spare details, his list could top the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders list, plus some. I know he’s gotten over it now, but I feel weird about all of it. Should I not get involved with him or will I get over all of this?
-Hopeless
A: Dear Hopeless,
Ah, the exchanging of pasts. Though sexual pasts shouldn’t be a problem, any kind of experience someone else has had that makes the other feel inadequate can be a problem. Though there is nothing I can say to make you feel better about an 18+ hole golfer, you will have to learn to let go of the things you can’t change. You can do two things – have him in your life and deal with his past or not have him. One of my favorite movies, Chasing Amy, is about just this. Guys and girls both face this problem so don’t think it’s just you. Girls can be particularly distressed by this because they are seemingly more self-conscious about themselves and hate to be compared to one, much less eight, other girls. Guys and girls alike can be plagued by false mental images that they can’t help but think of when they think of their partner. If you decide to try and work around all of this, tell him that you don’t ever want to hear details or stories. Keep telling yourself that everyone does things they regret in the past and sexual habits (as in sleeping with everyone you can get drunk or convince to) can change. Don’t lose a great guy because of something like this. Good luck and watch the movie.
Q:Dear Nell,
I have always been good at making friends with girls at school but that’s as far as it goes. I seem to be the type of guy girls want as a friend but not one to have a relationship with. Is there something wrong with me or is that common for some guys? I’m tired of being alone. Can you give me any advice?
-Concerned
A: Dear Concerned,
I have friends who frequently ask me the same thing. SMU can be a difficult school to date at sometimes. My first idea for you would be to probe your closest girl friends. I have had guy friends ask me before, “What do I need to do to get a girl?” I’ve honestly told them what they have been doing wrong or could do better. If your friends are all too nice to be openly critical, try doing this. Sit down and think of what your “perfect” girlfriend would be like and where she could be found. Then figure out what that kind of girl would want in her ideal guy. This all sounds a little self-help like, but if you can be the person your dream girl wants, and then put yourself in a place to meet her, it may not be silly advice after all. I have a friend at school who was repeatedly not meeting the right girls. He spent two years of college neither here nor there, but recently met an amazing girl who I’m excited to meet. If there’s one thing to remember, think of this – the best things in life happen unexpectedly. Just keep faith that you will meet the girl of your dreams when you least expect it.
Q: Dear Nell,
I have this amazing girlfriend who is great when she’s just with me, but her friends are gossipy stuck up [meanies]. I don’t want to keep whining about her friends, but I can’t stand them!
-Sick of the Midol Society
A: Dear Sick,
As I learned (sometimes the hard way), you don’t have to like a partner’s friends, just tolerate them. This is a problem that happens all the time. People marry someone to find out that they married into a neo-Nazi tribe of imbecils. People also start a job to find out that their boss’s friends are horrid. And the list goes on … The key to all of this is minimalizing contact and toleration. You should go out with your girlfriend and her friends only when necessary. Let her go out with her friends, you with yours, and you will never have to deal with the “Midol Society” for long periods of time. I once dated a guy whose friends were horrendous. Besides using all of my drink cups as dipping cups (not a good surprise when you’re dying of thirst in the morning), they thought that cheap porn tapes such as “Homeys in the Haystack” were a party necessity, and that showering was a “maybe sometime” thing. The sad thing is, these guys thought that they were irresistable to women. The guys taught me, if anything, that sometimes you have to tolerate even the most horrid people. If you care about your girlfriend, laugh off her friends (to yourself) and be thankful that your girlfriend isn’t like that.
