Guy Talk

I was speaking with an international student the other day, andhe asked me why all of the articles in the DC were full of slangand big words? I told him that was redunkulous.

I’m incapable of comprehending how he may perhaps sensethe vocabulary is over-extended. I furthermore sat in disbeliefthat he should call attention to the fact that writers constantlyexaggerate situations to insert stimulation.

Welcome to America, the land of the free and the home ofeveryone who thinks bigger is better and the American way is theonly way. How do I explain the American way?

I will start by proving that the difference between the UnitedStates and the rest of the world is …

Whoa, Ben and J-Lo are getting together again.

Only in the United States do we spend millions upon millions ofdollars to track storms and research weather. Then we turn aroundand let a friggin’ hedgehog or beaver in middle of Nowhere,Pa., tell us how long winter will continue.

That makes sense, “A hurricane might hit the coast ofFlorida, so we are going drive to Montana to see if Ram steps outof the cave. Ooh, he did — no hurricane.”

“This just in, Florida was rocked with a hurricane earlytoday, damn Ram.”

In the United States we either support or argue thepresident’s decision to send our troops flying into battle,but when he sends his little troops flying onto an intern’sdress, then we are calling for his head.

We openly give him power with a democratic vote (no thanks toFlorida) then when he actually tries to use the power, we want totake it away from him. Silly hypocrites.

We have to be one of the only countries that allows fellowresidents to come up with their own renditions of our NationalAnthem. If you have a banjo, piano or an air guitar, feel free topick the bad boy apart and butcher any note you find worthy. Alsoat the end, cut the thing short and cheer for your favorite sportsteam, which obviously is more important than honoring the nation itplays in.

Ever wonder why the driving age is 16, the smoking age is 18 andthe drinking age is 21? Let’s give them a weapon they canhurt others with at 16, but hold off on letting them killthemselves until 18. Then, at 21, give them the ability to injurethemselves and use the other skills they have mastered for fiveyears to injure others. We should take a note from our friendly(wimpy) neighbors up North. Strip joints for everyone — Idon’t know — just tie that in somehow.

We have a sporting event called the World Series. However, weare the only ones that play in the game. Oh, yeah. Silly Canadians.OK, so they have two teams, but we are just using them for a reasonto travel north and check out all of the watering holes that opentheir doors to people that are 19 years and older. Plus, thereisn’t anything more satisfying than inviting a bunch ofCanadians to play a game we created all of the rules for and thenbeat the snot out of them. When the Toronto Blue Jays won the WorldSeries back-to-back in ’92 and ’93, we didn’teven give them the real trophy. Shhhh, don’t tell.

There are studies that show eating just meat is healthy andother studies show that eating just meat is bad for you. There aresome studies that show that carbs are good and others that showthat carbs are bad. The most recent study came from two guys lockedin an elevator in Delaware. It doesn’t matter if you eat meator carbs every day of the week if you are stuck in an elevator.

The toy you buy at the mall is made in Taiwan. The coffee youbuy in the café is grown in Columbia. The car your daddybought you is made in Japan. The import beer (that a person oflegal age bought you) that you drink was shipped from Amsterdam.What a bunch of suckers, freedom fries are ours.

In England or Ireland or one of those countries over there thatend in “land,” they duplicate cows. In the UnitedStates we have the Olsen twins.

All it takes to join the ranks of government is a wrestlingcareer, movie career or basketball career. Porn stars aren’taccepted yet, but Americans love change. The two parties arerepresented by a donkey and an elephant. Not exactly the two mostelegant or intelligent animals in the world. The Green party isstarting to make a lot of sense.

Our legal system makes sure you’re innocent until provenguilty. Or at least until you have enough money to hire a couple ofO.J.’s lawyers.

So to the international student, you know who you are, I’msorry. What makes us what we are, I don’t have afriggin’ clue.

I think it might have something to do with bananas, leathercoats and bottle of super glue.

My bad.