Go ahead and strike – who needs baseball?

Baseball is the great American past time. PAST time. For those of you who are stressed from this oncoming strike, here are some reasons to be relieved we are rid of Major League baseball for a while.

First, we won’t have to pretend the Rangers exist, or that any of us actually care. If Tom Hicks were the president of the United States he would pay – make that overpay – Iraq to be our friend, and then Saddam would turn around and buy weapons of mass destruction with that money, then ask to be traded to Afghanistan. Harsh? Maybe, but how many brain cells does it take to realize a need for better pitching does not equal, hey, let’s go buy more hitting. Note that I am not saying Tom Hicks is a bad man in an evil way. Just in a baseball way.

Second, for those of us who frequent ESPN, there are two main advantages I can see to this. Everyone is annoyed when they turn on the TV looking for the 10 p.m. Sportscenter and the Devil Rays vs. Tigers game has just gone into the 13th inning. No highlights are going to come from that game, except maybe if the stadium collapsed.

You know a team is terrible when the biggest news it has made since coming into the majors was changing the name on its uniform from “Devil Rays” to just “Rays.” You could field a team of Ray Bourques, call them the Rays, and have the same effect.

We could watch more riveting events, like the World Series of Poker. I’d rather be locked in a room with Billy Corgan singing nonstop forever than have to wait for another delayed Sportscenter.

Also, is it just me, or are half of the analysts on Baseball Tonight unable to force out a clear English sentence? Sample Harold Reynolds: “Watch Ken Grippey … Griffey … Junior go back to the wall, make the straight, great catch, and then fire it on in home plate.”

Maybe I’m just anal, but this makes me want to get my hockey stick and my Harold Reynolds action figure and beat the crap out of it. Hmm … yeah.

Third, does anyone notice that when the World Series is on NBC, all the shows you want to watch aren’t on for two weeks? Granted, even most people who don’t like baseball will watch the World Series, but when you have come home from a long hard day of skipping class – I mean, going to classes and reading and doing homework – all you want to do is turn on the TV and watch “Just Shoot Me” (or fill in your show). When you see the Yankees vs. whoever it is that year, it makes you want to go back to the library. No one misses an NFL playoff game, yet missing a whole opening series in baseball doesn’t really matter. Just miss them all then, that’s what I say.

Last, on a more serious note, the players say they are holding out not because they want more than they have, but that they want to keep what they are getting. Let’s see here – the average salary per year of a major leaguer is $2.4 million. There are 25 players on 31 teams, so there are775 players in the majors. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but if I’m making $2.4 million, and someone wants to knock it down to say, $2 million, I don’t have that much of a problem. Seven hundred seventy-five players knocking the average salary down to $2 million would save $310 million. I’m not saying that the players are totally wrong and the owners are totally right, but I’m sure each owner getting an average of $31 million per year back might ease some tension.

Of course there are some drawbacks to a strike still. The average income of Americans would plummet. You couldn’t go to the ballpark and say hey to the hot dog man (HAAAWWT DAWWGS). We would not be able to watch a football game, then immediately switch to a baseball game and realize which sport is actually important. These are things we can get over. Even if an agreement is reached now, I can guarantee in five more years this same argument will be recycled.

Stop baseball. Let the beginning of the seasons in hockey, football and basketball shine. At least then we can stop seeing Bud Selig’s hairpiece.