When you have huge life changes pending, you start viewing normal activities a little differently. For instance, once I was engaged, dating multiple women became a little harder. I had to think of more creative ways to find time for all of them without hurting anyone’s feelings. Now that we have a baby on the way, the holidays have made me view our family traditions through a new filter.
Just like every Thanksgiving for the last 10 years, my wife and I went to my family’s house first. Turkey Day at my grandma’s usually consists of stuffing our faces while watching football and sharing what we’re all most thankful for. This is all fine until my grandma opens her mouth. That woman cusses more than an armless man at a hokey pokey contest. She has a terrible potty mouth, but what can I say? With only eight days until the baby is born, I began to wonder what would be the best way to tell family members that their vices are not welcome around my newborn.
After a huge meal, we started watching the Cowboys game and the same family members began committing their usual offenses just like every other year. While my family was trying to watch the game, my aunt started talking, well, not just talking, yelling. Everyone has that relative who feels they need to yell like they are in the middle of a Journey concert even though they are sitting right next to you. These are the same relatives who begin to laugh at their own jokes before they’re even done telling them while simultaneously clapping and slapping any inanimate object nearby. I usually can get through this by smiling and nodding my head while trying to keep up with the game, but this year my first thought was of the future sleeping child that would surely be awakened by this cacophonous being. After slowly coming out of our post-meal coma, we gathered our things to head to my in-laws’ Thanksgiving dinner. On the drive there, I began thinking about the threats to my child we would encounter during the second stop of our Thanksgiving tour.
My wife’s family likes to celebrate with dinner and then some very competitive gaming. While sitting down to enjoy my fifth slice of my aunt’s famous chocolate pie, my wife’s uncle began telling me the story of the time he and a friend accidentally lit his sister’s face on fire by kicking a flaming turkey pan into the air just as she rounded the corner. As exciting as it was to hear about all the trouble unmonitored children could get into, all I could think about was that I was being inundated with the cigarette smoke that he drug in from his last smoke break. He continued to tell me the story with a Bill Cosby-like drawl that bathed me in his smoke-filled breath. I sat there thinking: How I would ever let this man hold my baby boy without first asking him to bathe in Febreze and gargle with Oxiclean? I mean, my baby will have wet lungs and you expect me to hand him over to a relative who resembles a rosin bag when hugged? All of these questions went through my head as I ran from Uncle Ashtray to join in with my team for a cut-throat game of “Scene It.”
In the middle of the game, it became clear that my aunt had too much to drink when she tried to convince me that Sarah Jessica Parker’s face did not look like a foot. Her inebriation at family gatherings has never bothered me before, especially since there are times that I join in on the fun, but knowing that I might need her to babysit my child at some point made me think twice. I’m not trying to be an annoying, overprotective parent, but leaving my child with someone who is incoherent after dinner does not sound like a good idea. Once again, how do you tell these relatives that we have all become very relaxed with what we consider acceptable behavior because there haven’t been small children around? I’ve spent the last eight and a half months laughing at my wife’s anxieties about being a new parent and her ability to think of the absolute worst-case scenarios for even the smallest of situations, but the sudden realization that I am about to be responsible for raising a child has scared some new thoughts into me. I hope I don’t come off as an overprotective father, but being in charge of my own human is a huge responsibility and I take it very seriously. I don’t want to step on any toes because my wife and I really do have the greatest support system in our families, but with baby Jackson making his debut right before Christmas, something will have to be said. Wish me luck…
About the writer:
Matt Villanueva is junior advertising major. He can be reached at [email protected].
