Star War-ing factions

Episode two of the Star Wars prequels was released last week, and with it, all of the mixed feelings associated with everything Star Wars. The Star Wars fan boys, who were previously preoccupied with Lord of the Rings, are now totally immersed in merchandising, gossip, and novelization tie-ins. Star Wars haters, fresh from complaining about how long Lord of the Rings was, are now occupied with finding even the smallest amount of fault in the new movie and coming up with new ways to insult fans who go to the movie wearing Storm Trooper helmets. Variety show hosts and comic strip artists can sit back and relax, knowing they’ve got enough fodder for jokes for the next four weeks. Even Triumph, the “insult dog” on Conan O’Brian, has gotten into the act, inviting a Leonard Nemoy lookalike to flip off fans standing in line to see one of the first few screenings and threatening to “poop on” everyone.

I’m not surprised that Star Wars failed to surpass the intake of Spiderman in its first week. I myself would not be dumb enough to go see it in the first seven days; the franchise is too frightening. Star Wars divides people and populaces worse than a presidential election, and I would not want to get between a die-hard SW fan and a die-hard SW hater. Even those who are fans are divided up, depending on how devoted to Star Wars they really are. It’s been a while since Episode One, but I think I can still do a pretty good job categorizing those who make up a typical Star Wars audience:

The Yoda

This is the fan (probably a philosophy major or liberal arts professor) who approaches Star Wars as a mantra. Despite the ambiguity of the concept in the original Star Wars trilogy, he believes wholeheartedly in the existence of a force, and will not hesitate to tell you about it at every opportunity. In fact, he will make it a point to tell you haltingly, “the force will be with you… always…” when you part ways after lunch. He has been excommunicated for accusing the bishop of his church of belonging to “the dark side.” He will say “do or do not… there is no try” at the worst possible moments, such as when you are trying to fix a flat tire in blinding hail. If it were economically feasible he would live a cave by a swamp, his only source of light being flashlights that he has stolen from power walkers who use the area as a nature trail. He is incredibly lazy, refusing to pick up trash around his house because he claims he is “trying to practice using the force.”

The Boba Fett

This is the fan who only has enough interest in the Star Wars franchise to make it his major source of income. He buys up tons of boxes of the latest action figures, Halloween costumes and autographs to sell to gullible fan boys, making his house a veritable museum. He spends half his waking moments on E-Bay, monitoring literally hundreds of items and putting down half a fortune on bids. The other half of the time he’s out in the garage, making plaster of Paris “fakes” of the inexplicably valuable Boba Fett action figure to sell to gullible saps. A variation on “The Boba Fett” is the 30-year-old guy who spends his time roaming the aisle at Toys R’ Us, grabbing Obi-Wan-Kenobi figures with “genuine Judo action” from the hands of bawling 10-year-olds.

The Lando Calrissian

This particular fan is completely normal – he has either decided to go see the new movie because a group of his friends are going, or because he just wants to. His good intentions make no difference; he is guilty on account of association. He will be jumped by a group of Star Wars haters the moment he leaves the theater, or will be mobbed by a group of fanboys who want him to come over to their house and hit them for a few hours with cardboard swords.

The Psycho Chick

This is the one female who is invariably in every Star Wars ticket line, giving merchandisers an excuse to keep churning out Princess Leia and Queen Padme Amidala costumes. This woman has usually been converted over to the “dark side” by her single-minded husband. If she isn’t married (fat chance), she gets about 10,000 offers of marriage just by walking outside.

The Darth Vader

This fan is a slave to the “dark side” (i.e., Lucasfilms). No matter how bad the acting / scriptwriting / direction / inclusion of Jar Jar Binks is, he will find some way to excuse it, because he thinks George Lucas is God. (“No, no, you see, the pod race in Episode One is there because Star Wars is essentially a children’s movie! The reason why Hayden Christiensen acts so wooden is because Lucas was trying to show how Anikan’s conversion to the ‘dark side’ is turning him into an exact copy of Palpatine! These movie reviewers have impossibly high expectations! And digital projection is the wave of the future! Go Skywalker Ranch!”)

The Clone

This is the stereotypical fan, the one who refuses to separate Star Wars from his personal life – the kind who shows up to the movies wearing Jedi cloaks and wookie fur and whacks other movie patrons on the kneecaps with his plastic lightsaber. This is the kind of person who goes to the ticket window and says (in a bad English accent) “I do not need to buy a ticket; you will let me in for free.” This is the fan who eats 20-year-old Star Wars cereal for breakfast and who names his dogs “Bantha” and “Tauntaun.” He writes obsessed love letters to Natalie Portman and beats up anyone on the street who looks like Hayden Christiensen. If the situation arises, he would like to get married in a ceremony perfectly collaborated to look like the one at the end of “A New Hope.” With the priest dressed as a sandperson and a bunch of screeching Jawas as the attendants. This is the person that both Star Wars haters and Star Wars fans can laugh at together.

The Absent-minded Loon

This is the guy who shows up to a Star Wars screening wearing a Star Trek insignia and Spock ears.

I’m pretty sure that the Star Wars fans outnumber the Star Wars haters. Still, even those people can be categorized:

The Sworn Enemy of Jar Jar Binks

This person associates everything Star Wars related with Jar Jar Binks, and hates George Lucas for “using a cutesy ploy to appeal to the kiddie market.” He believes that Jar Jar himself is a Rastafarian stereotype, and believes that Star Wars is a franchise based on xenophobia. Every time he hears the name “Jar Jar Binks” he goes into convulsive fits, despite the fact that Jar Jar isn’t really that bad.

The “I Don’t Need To See Star Wars To Know That I Hate It”

This person’s judgment of Star Wars is based solely on his hatred of everything expens