Ask Nell Advice on sex & dating
Q: Dear Nell,
There is this one guy that I hang out with all the time. We cuddle, go out and spend a lot of time on the phone together. The problem is that he says he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend, but freaks out if he doesn’t see me enough. What’s wrong with him?
– Totally confused
A: Dear Confused,
Plainly said: he’s a guy. Guys don’t over-analyze situations like girls do. Whereas you may be driving yourself nuts trying to classify your relationship, guys are happy just having someone and may not even worry about a label. In your particular situation, I think that he just doesn’t want to settle down. He’s got the best of both worlds: a girl who acts like his girlfriend, but the freedom to philander away if he wants to. Do you really need a commitment? If so, tell him flat out and make him choose. If you’re not sure about being a monogamous couple, establish simple rules: hooking up with other people, what you should call yourselves in front of other people, etc. If anything, try and think like a guy for a little while. You’ll be surprised at how simple things can be with a one-track mind.
Q: Dear Nell,
What’s the right way to make a move on a girl you like? If I’m a “gentleman” then the girl either thinks I’m not interested or gets bored. If I work my game, girls either think I’m too much of a player or desperate. Is there any way to get a simple message across to a girl without looking like an ass?
– Got Game
A: Dear Game,
I can’t help but comment on the fact that you say you have “game.” A true game player would never come off as desperate or boring, so save the cool names for when you get off the sidelines. I can understand your problem though. In my opinion, relationships have become a lot more confusing in college. Signals get crossed, people get mad, and there is no longer a simple flirting, dating, couple pattern that people can follow. Think of college dating like a huge game of “Hungry Hungry Hippos.” Everyone is out there trying to feed their own hippo. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you lose your balls to other people. As with any game, to be a good player you have to communicate. Though brutal honesty can sometimes be really hard, wouldn’t it be easy if everyone in the world was honest with each other? Do your best at reading the girl and what she might want, then tell her what your intentions are. Follow the pattern below and you can’t lose:
Oh________, I’m just one of those people that has to be
completely honest about things. I would hate to
make you _______ by sending you wrong signals, so
I’m just going to tell you exactly how I feel about your
_________ (exclude 4 letter words).
Life’s too short to sit out on the sidelines, so say what you mean, mean what you say, and get back in the game.
Q: Dear Nell,
I’ve been in college for a while and it still boggles me how lightly people take sex. It seems like everyone out there wants to [fornicate] all the time, but never even considers how big of a deal it is. Why has sex gotten so casual?
– Old Fashioned
A: Dear Old Fashioned,
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you feel. I too have wondered how people have gone from “waiting for the right person” to “anyone looks good after a shot of Yagermeiste..” I think that some people (not all) feel like college is their last time to be young. After college await bills, work, little time off, and the end of frat-tastic weekends. I guess if these people see after college life as close to death, then college is like their one last day to do everything…literally. You can’t change other people, so don’t compromise you morals. Wait until you meet people like you and laugh at the drunkoes at the bar who will be waking up with headache and some bad memories in the morning.
Q: Dear Nell,
When a girl goes on a date with a guy, should she offer to pay or just let him pay?
– Curious
A: Dear Curious,
This is all about personal preference. Though most guys I know will pay for a girl on a date regardless, I think that it’s common courtesy to offer anyway. This just shows that your not on the date just to get paid for.
Q: Dear Nell,
I’m starting to get really frustrated. It seems like I can only like people for a little while. Even if they’re great, I spend some time with them and just get antsy. All my friends are starting to settle down and I’m starting to think that I’ll never really like anyone enough to do that. Is it weird not to find the one you want to be with?
– In and Out
A: Dear In and Out,
Lots of people I know have trouble settling down with one person. Don’t force it. I used to be happy with doing everything on my own schedule and never having to worry about anyone else. Whenever I would start to date someone, I would get this feeling that I was trapped and couldn’t make my own decisions anymore. My only advice: Que sera, sera. I think that there is someone out there for everyone and you’re just one of those people who’s gonna need a really, really amazing person to settle down with. Who is that amazing person? You’ll probably know when you meet them. Have fun being single and trust that someone will sweep you off your feet at the right time.
