Long gone are the days of watching MTV’s theatrical version of spring break near Miami. Far off are the sights and sounds of crazy college kids drinking their way through South Padre’s beautiful beaches and waves.
What is a man to do when funds are limited and plans are scarce this coming week? Find a part-time job? Live a life of serving others by doing charitable work?
This writer says no. Spring break is our time to sleep until two in the afternoon and play video games until our eyes are as dry as the Sahara, not some sellout corporation’s or a hobo’s whose SoCal daddy couldn’t afford to send him through school. I’ll be spending my incredibly cheap holiday doing exactly what I’ve been doing lately anyway: nothing.
Well, maybe not just nothing. I’ve got a plan for my nothing time. Each day is meticulously planned out into an artistic balance of over-sleeping, lounging and overall TV watching that would make Homer Simpson cringe with envy, and with my advice you will too.
Start off by simply telling everyone who cares for and loves you to back off. No need for family and friends to impede on personal time. That’s what psychiatric therapy is for.
Second, buy a mini-fridge. If you don’t have the funds to buy one just yet (why are you on this campus in the first place?), sell something like your down-comforter or extra clothes. Winter is almost over, and Lord knows you will need cold food so much more than dense materials on your person.
I further recommend stocking up on a few choice materials, such as a bag of almonds and canned beans for your daily protein. Eat all of them in one sitting to maximize their effectiveness. If you are allergic to nuts, get over it. Spring Break is no time for cowards, especially if you plan on becoming an effective lazy person over this coming week. Also, water is a luxury you shouldn’t waste in these precious days, so mixing protein powder with any liquid is highly frowned upon. Eat it straight, you wuss!
Next, move all important electronic devices near your bed. Using your feet is SO 2010. Why don’t you brag about your sweet Farmville score or go talk about the latest episode of “Lost” while you’re at it? If you have a universal remote that can somehow control the lights, temperature and noise level of the outside world, more power to you.
Finally, horde all cheap light devices in your room, especially candles. I personally recommend the coconut-water-scented variety found at your local Bath and Body Works, but I am a bit picky in my preferred odor arrangement.
If you wish to survive a cheap and lazy spring break and brag about it for years to come, just follow these simple and effective steps to trick everyone into thinking you’ve clearly lost touch with reality and all your senses.
Or maybe go have fun instead. I’ll be too busy growing a Unabomber beard and seeing what great mixtures of beans, nuts and protein shakes I can come up with.
Costa is a junior majoring in journalism.
