A last hoorah

I would like to think that my not having written a commentary in the last several weeks would have caused a huge uproar on campus and that the whole of SMU’s faculty, administration and student population would have been holding daily protests expressing their overwhelming desire for my quick and safe return to the sacred pages of the Daily Campus. But who am I kidding? Ralph Nader is more likely to become King of Belgium than I am to receive an empathetic, kind, much less rational morsel of goodwill and understanding on our beloved campus.

Though I have not written in several weeks, SMU (Oh! Beautiful SMU and her gardens of green and playgrounds of misery and hypocrisy) has remained on my mind and in my heart. How could I, a globetrotter born from dustbins and cattle prods, forget my overpriced and unfriendly alma mater? How could I, a curly headed twenty-something enjoying the fruits of my parent’s hard labor, criticizing those who laugh and frolic in Tom Ford style, how could I simply forget, walk away, obliterate from my conscience those lovely gents and debutants who relive the lives of their parents? No, SMU will always be on the tip of my tongue, unfortunately, while I will soon and smoothly be erased forever from the tiny, inflexible blackboard mind of the Hilltop.

So, what have I been up to? Not much: going here, going there, watching this, listening to that. Same old stuff. What’s been going on at SMU? Oh, my anorexic, cocaine-snorting friend, what hasn’t been going on at SMU?

My very first commentary, if you remember my dear little cohorts, written with the help of a very beautiful lady of whom I am sure you are all aware, attacked the SMU student population. Eventually, a trend concerning apathy, lethargy, indifference, what have you, emerged in the Daily Campus as a fairly large group of students agreed that Yes! Lots and lots of SMU students are, in all honesty, really terrible, narcissistic brats. But, as you may remember, the powers that be soon silenced this movement because all the kittens and cockatoos couldn’t understand the rather large, multi-syllabic words being used. So, I moved on to the administration and, more specifically, our esteemed President Turner. I pleaded for understanding from our beloved administration, hoping and praying that the turmoil and heartache infecting our campus could be vanished away by their magic wand. I wished that President Turner, dressed in blue spandex, a red cape and riding a wild miniature pony, would come and save our captured campus in distress from the tower of decrepit Highland Park. Alas, this did not happen. I soon realized that the administration herself was the crypt keeper, and I, again, was silenced.

This year, I sought to do something positive, to share by glorious experience amongst the frogs with you dainty beasts. But I grew tired of it. I gained nothing but heartache and long nights of concentrated, unappeased anxiety. And so I left, but only for a moment.

Yes, Lazarus has returned; the phoenix has risen from the ashes; Jean Valjean has emerged from the sewers. Yes, Scott Moses has something more to say.

But how should I go about it? Should I be nice and tasteful and full of tact and hospitality? Or should I be real: cruel, mean, nasty and, if you don’t mind, honest. I choose the latter I do, and, I must say, my toes are twitching with excitement.

So let us begin.

I, Scott Moses, based on all information divulged to me in both public and private settings, hereby accuse everyone at SMU for making our university a terrible, dishonest, politically retarded, socially incompetent institution full of liars, cheats, fakes and all-around not nice people. I, in a matter of several paragraphs, will tell you why.

Students. Students are responsible for making SMU an unrespectable institution. How? Let me count the ways. In the past, many so-called student leaders have been responsible for articles concerning student apathy, that which I spoke of earlier. They, our student leaders (yes, I have been one of them), have spent countless nights and Saturday mornings cutting ribbon and painting posters so that you, you sloth-like creatures might rise from your sleeping chambers and join the good, Christian, Peruna-loving world of SMU. Little did we know, these student leaders, busy making committees, electing each other to various positions and giving each other awards for being the best doggone person in the whole wide world; yes, these student leaders have been at the root of all evil on our campus.

Did you know (probably not) that there is an actual student who sits on the SMU Board of Trustees? Well there ais, and next year’s member were chosen only two weeks ago. Did you know that the Student chosen for the Board of Trustee chair has been a President Scholar for the last five years? Is this just a coincidence? I don’t think so.

Did you also know that this year’s selection board, composed of students, was looking for “someone without an agenda”? Yes, our student leaders, supposedly working for change and improvement on our campus, sought out someone who, in all likeliness, would do nothing more than sit and look pretty for all the old men in suits and ties. (The student who in fact was chosen for the position, I personally feel that you are better than that. Prove them wrong!)

For my next paragraph, I would really like to talk about the Student Body Officer elections and how our university has officially flushed itself down the toilet, but most of you will probably think I’m just being a sore loser. Probably.

Oh, the prestigious “M” awards. The “M” awards are supposed to be SMU’s most sacred way of honoring select students and faculty members for their diligent and selfless work for the university. Unfortunately, the committee that chooses the outstanding students is composed of biased, backstabbing, ridiculously political, unfair students. While one might think that the board would be composed of objective, unbiased members choosing on the basis of undeniable merit, our student board chooses their friends and denies people who they don’t like. Those winners of this year’s “M” awards (though I have never heard of some you and am extremely skeptical as to whether you actually attend SMU), don’t get me wrong: I am sure that each of you were well deserving of the award; however, one must be aware that the system is severely perverted.

Adding insult to injury, Turner received a faculty “M” award. Give me a break!

Wow, student leaders (whatever that means), you guys are great!

Alumnae. At Dedman University, I mean SMU, we have many wonderful donors who love to put their names on buildings and park benches. Some of these are actually paying for me to go to school here. (Thank you, I think.) As you may recall, SMU just announced the fruits of Turner’s money begging efforts, some $500 million. That’s great. But why aren’t there any alumni buildings on campus? Why isn’t the SMU Alumni association strong and dedicated to showing its continued support to SMU? How are we supposed to attract new super-genius students when the students who do go to SMU and did go to SMU do not give a flying flip? Doesn’t make sense to me. I worked for the SMU Annual Fund, the Telemarketing group that worked towards “SMU: A Time to Lead”, and while lots and lots of friends, family and SMU alumnae did give money to the school; many others hung up the phone, yelled, or told us never to call them back again. I know that the world isn’t perfect, but something’s not right here.

This leads me to the SMU administration. Thank you, the SMU administration, for caring more for the students of the future, for treating the faculty of SMU like bastard children, for maintaining a racist, bigoted campus, and finally for choosing not to interact with us. For these reasons and others, I thank you SMU for making my undergraduate experience almost bearable.

Yippity-doo-dah-day! Boy do I feel better.
I’ve wanted to say stuff like that since August. It just goes to show you, keeping stuff all locked up and jumbled just makes you constipated. And nobody likes being constipated.

P.S. The lover of Adonis and all my other SMU snitches, I am forever thankful.