This is the end, my friends

In my 22 years on this planet, I’ve found that in many movies and areas of life, the end can make or break what came before it. Horror movies scare the living beejezus out of me, but only ones about the devil. My theory is, you can run and hide from a guy in a mask with a knife, but the devil will always find you.

Same goes for demonic clowns. In high school, my friends and I rented IT in hopes of being so petrified that we couldn’t think about the sewer system in the same way. And we were scared – for the first two hours or so. Then everyone except me fell asleep, and I continued to watch with trepidation. But then poor special effects ruined it all. That huge spider? What was that about anyway? It just didn’t resonate as terrifying, and it made the rest of it seem stupid.

Then there’s Here on Earth, one of those teen movies. One afternoon I decided to watch it, and I kept asking myself, “Why am I still watching this?” It was cheese to the max. Horrible lines, horrible acting, horrible drama. But the sap inside me (yes, it’s there, I swear) couldn’t resist the end. Chris Klein came back for Leelee Sobieski, and then she died! Oh! It made the rest of the movie suddenly great, in a sub-par digital cable sort of way.

And here I am at the end of my undergraduate life, and I suppose I should be able to say whether or not the end justifies the means. Am I scary? Some would say yes, definitely. Am I cheesy? God, I hope not. Am I better off than I was four years ago, am I worldly-wise, am I ready?

As Winona Ryder said in her Reality Bites valedictorian speech, “The answer is … I don’t know.” But what I do know is what four years of procrastination, laziness and B.S. can teach you, so here is my most prized knowledge.

Those Wellness classes are annoying, but no matter what logic tells you, remember that they count AGAINST your GPA if you fail. I learned this lesson the hard way. So please, if you stop attending your Wellness class, remember to drop it. I think that F really did affect my GPA, sadly.

Procrastination is awesome. Throughout my four years, I’ve had more fun while procrastinating than while trying to have fun. Yes, homework and grades are important, and I worship you if you have the ability not to put things off until the last minute. But if you save things for the last minute, then that’s all the time you need to do them, and the rest of your time can be spent having fun.

Being legal isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. You know how when someone tells you not to touch something, you have to? That’s why underage drinking is such a problem … and why it’s so great. I’m not advocating irresponsible drinking, but having a few people over to your room to guzzle down that 18-pack is a lot more fun than getting dressed up, paying to park, and sipping on some overpriced beverage at a bar. And now that I don’t live at home, I can’t sneak out. The rush of misconduct makes me nostalgic. Don’t wish you were older and don’t be in a hurry to grow up. Pretty soon you’ll be like me, and Bingo will seem like a great way to spend a Friday night.

Don’t be stupid. This simple sentence is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. My first year RA said it was basically the only rule for his floor. He knew we were going to do things we weren’t supposed to and make mistakes, but he knew there were smart ways of doing so. And really, I can’t stress it enough. There are so many stupid people out there, and they really piss me off, so for my sake at least, cease the idiocy. Please.

Here I am at another ending, and all I can think of to do now is to thank all the people in my life who aren’t stupid. You know who you are, because if you didn’t, well, then you’d be stupid, and you wouldn’t be my friends. See you on the other side!