The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

The Independent Voice of Southern Methodist University Since 1915

The Daily Campus

SMU professor Susanne Scholz in the West Bank in 2018.
SMU professor to return to campus after being trapped in Gaza for 12 years
Sara Hummadi, Video Editor • May 18, 2024

A new type of terror threat

It happened last week.

While working on The Daily Campus, we stumbled upon quite possibly the single greatest threat to SMU and mankind as we know it: squirrel espionage.

How did we find this out? Let’s just say that a certain photographer snapped a highly revealing photo of a squirrel … and a tree.

The photo wasn’t that great – let’s face it, that guy is getting fired next week. We’re sick of the low-grade film and grainy images he brings us. Who are we, the Soviet Union? I think not.

But now we have actual proof of squirrel espionage.

Go on, point and laugh at us all you want. But don’t come crying to us when the squirrels have conveyed the vital information that will destroy us to the little green men whose spaceship crashed on the football field last weekend. We’ll all be in uber-top secret bomb shelters riding out the nuclear holocaust laughing at YOU.

Squirrel espionage is no laughing matter.

Everyday, top-secret government information is being collected on our campus. Peter slept with Carol. Jack got sick after eating that whole economy-size tub of rocky road ice cream in 10 minutes. Jenny hasn’t updated her Facebook status in over six months (yes, we know. Six months!!!)

How do squirrels collect this information? Supersonic hearing. The ability to read lips. Some even dunk their children in a vat of toxic waste so they can have the powers of invisibility. I’m not making this up. It’s a violation of squirrel rights, and if they weren’t hell bent on destroying the human population, I’d be all for stopping it. But I think it would be best if we focused on the important things.

I forgot to mention the acorns. They aren’t just nuts-they’re tiny landmines that (thankfully) only seem to work on amoebas and other really, really tiny creatures. Let’s just hope squirrel technology doesn’t improve.

Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because you need to know.

We are in a cold war against the aliens from Vortran-78. And it’s the squirrels that have teamed up with them to provide the aliens with the information they need to take over the world. Every day that we let squirrels carry on with the spying, eavesdropping and the secret codes is one more lost battle in the war.

This is not a laughing matter!

Citizens of Dallas and SMU, we must take certain steps to ensure our survival:

1. If you see a squirrel, report it to the Anti-Squirrel League. Their phone number is 867-5309 (it’s easy to remember-just sing the song).

2. Do not, under any circumstances, talk to a squirrel. Ever.

3. If you see a squirrel and it is impossible to alert the proper authorities (such as while you’re on that bathroom break in Dallas Hall), proceed to give it disinformation. Disinformation can be something as simple as “The scientists have invented a super bomb with the combined tonnage of the atomic and hydrogen bombs coupled with the lemon-y fresh scent of Pine-Sol.”

4. Do not panic.

5. Proceed to the nearest bomb shelter.

6. Get under the covers and hide.

Taking steps to ensure the world will live on after the aliens from Vortran-78 and the squirrels exert their power over the feeble human population is simple and easy.

Now we only need to come up with a plan for when the zombies attack.

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