I was sitting in The Daily Campus newsroom the other night when I overheard a strange conversation. I twirled around in my swivel chair and scooted the seven feet to the desk where the discussion was taking place. My brow furrowed, I listened intently to the odd chat. There was no room for input on my part- I was completely ignorant that the issue being debated even existed. Apparently, there is a set of rules laid down by the gods that men must follow. Breaking these rules is punishable by death. Well, not really, but it sounded pretty bad. I will now convey the laws in the ways in which I understood them. They will be called: The Urinal Commandments.
Thou shalt not look to the side. Ever. If thine eyes accidentally wander, feign blindness.
Thou shalt pick a spot on the wall and stare at it. Do not look away. If thou makest eye contact, burn thine eyes with a hot poker.
When thou hast finished the urination process, do an about face and walk out… Silently.
Thou shalt not speak. Hold thine tongue unless something is on fire. Time at the urinal should be used for reflection.
If someone speaketh to you, reply with a manly grunt.
Thou shalt keep a safe distance from other urinal-goers. Using a urinal next to another man when others are open farther away is treachery.
Thou shalt not stand too far away from the urinal. It’s just bad news.
After the rules were explained I decided it was time to ask some questions. This is how it went:
“Ok, so say there are five urinals. What if someone is at the first, third and fifth one. Then what do you do?” I asked.
Silence. Awkward glances. More silence.
“You just go,” said the first boy.
“I mean you could wait but that’d be kinda weird,” said the second boy.
“Well, what if you have something really important to say right at that moment?” I inquired.
“You don’t,” said the second boy.
This just didn’t make sense to me, and I’ll tell you why. Whenever I am out with my friends we enjoy frolicking to the bathroom together. Bathrooms can be scary. Sometimes we need emotional support. Sometimes we need to talk about you. Sometimes we are just plain needy.
Female time in the bathroom can be very important. Scandalous he-said she-said is often passed along from stall to stall. In fact, women have been known to stay in the bathroom for much longer than necessary. I’ll give you an example. A two girls walk into a bar bathroom and see two other girls they know, a full-blown “catch- up” must take place. Walking outside is just not necessary. Why waste valuable time walking into a noisy bar?
And any timidity is usually dissolved upon arrival in a bathroom- especially a busy one. Girls will cram into one stall to make the line move faster. It’s a time saver. It makes sense.
Hell, sometimes you even make friends while hanging out in the bathroom. Example: At Mardi Gras I attempted to cut a line to get into a bathroom (yes, I’m a line cutter, no I don’t care what you think about it… it was a really long line). Sadly, the bouncer saw me and sent me packing. But an angel of mercy came down from heavens in the form of another Mardi Gras-goer. She told me I could stand in line in front of her, making me first in line. Needless to say, we because best friends. We may never see each other again, but we spent quality time in the bathroom together, and we have a lifelong bond.
Men, you are missing out.
-Liz Ford
Managing Editor
