When I use the phrase “that guy” and “pick-up basketball” in the same sentence it is a sad fact that far too many guys know exactly what I am referring to. I have had a few encounters with “that guy” recently and feel that I need to give the rest of the world insight into who “that guy” is.

For those that don’t know, pick-up basketball games involve either a large group of friends, or random strangers that meet in a recreational setting to play a game. Usually involved are the dividing of players onto teams via team captains, and casual application of rules to the game.

I must first insert the caveat that my basketball skills are roughly equivalent to those of blind, one armed monkey with faulty motor skills. With that said, I just like to participate for the recreation and enjoy time with friends, regardless that when I dribble, the ball hits my feet more than the ground.

“That guy” I might say is my arch nemesis. He is the guy that probably played basketball in high school, maybe some walk-on action in college and “totally would have gone pro if it weren’t for blowing out his knee senior year.”

“That guy,” upon picking of captains insists that everybody shoot from the three-point line rather than the traditional free-throw line and apologizes if not everyone can “keep up with his skills.”

In my experience, when “that guy” played on my team he chose to refer to the rest of the players on the team by a slang word for a part of the female anatomy (possibly to motivate us? No way to tell). He begins the game by saying “woah, hold on guys, can’t start yet” and proceeds to remove his shirt (even though we aren’t even playing shirts and skins) to expose his average, at best, already sweaty physique.

I was sure there were NBA scouts at the Dedman Center when we were playing this game as hard as “That guy” was playing.

Wearing his sweatband and full face mask, “That guy” has the heart of a champion. He has the “this-is-so-important-to-me-don’t-let-me-down” attitude and is so defeated when his team comes up just short. Well there is always the next game in the two-out-of-three set my friend.

I am afraid that I might have offended the most recent “That guy” I played with. When he got a rebound at one point he sprinted down the court and pulled up at the three point line. He (out loud) counted down “3-2-1” and took his shot in dramatic fashion, even offering up a buzzer noise to make his shot look that much sweeter.

He air-balled it. I couldn’t stop laughing. If you are reading this “That guy” I apologize for my obvious lack of respect for your sense of the dramatic.

Here is how to recognize “that guy” if you are ever to play a game of pick-up basketball: he will be in decent shape but be wearing way to intense for a pick-up game like a face mask, head and wrist bands, knee pads etc. He will be play way too intense defense, slapping the ground and yelling when you shoot. He is probably a ref in his spare time so therefore an expert on the rules. He will call a five seconds violation. He screams phrases like “dish me the rock” consistently throughout the game. He feels the need to take a three point shot at any opportunity possible, even from half court if he must, because as you know, the game rests on his shoulders. He talks way too much trash when winning and says the game is complete (explicative) when he is losing. If he is not making any shots (usually because of a serious lack of skill) he is having an “off day” or is being “fouled too hard but is ‘too much of a man’ to call them.”

“That guy” is a menace to society. He shakes the very foundation pick-up basketball is built on. If you are “that guy” just FYI, no one was ever drafted into the NBA out of a pick-up game, I’m not sure you are aware.

– John Coleman

Associate News Editor