A year ago, my friend Kyle and I wrote a self-help guide to combat those like “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Our self-help guide is for guys who just can’t seem to realize when they are being taken advantage of.

Many guys and a few women applauded us, but there were those who labeled us “misogynist pigs.” Some even threatened to write pieces entitled “He’s Just A Bastard” and “She’s Not A Bitch, and You’re Just A Pushover.”

Seeing as how those were never published, I’m glad people have realized this is intended to be like the Bush presidency: a joke. To commemorate the one-year anniversary of “She’s Just A Bitch,” we have decided to follow up our first piece, except this time we’ve thrown a girl into the mix.

What makes Erin qualified to write about women? Well, she is one, and she isn’t afraid to own up to what was written about her in “She’s Just A Bitch Part I.”

Erin: It’s true – I have no qualms with being known as the bitch that calls Jay at all hours of the night to come fix her computer. I’m secure with my bitchiness – as well as my lack of technical skills.

1. If You Can Mouth Along To Her Voicemail – She’s Just A Bitch

A truly naïve guy refuses to believe the only time his dream girl will talk to him is when she needs something. So, you try to call her up for some kind of social gathering and get her voicemail. What do you do? You leave a message. You don’t hang up and expect her to see a missed call. She won’t return it.

The ringing pattern:

One ring, then voicemail – hang up now, because you don’t have a chance. She’s hit the REJECT CALL button.

Two rings, then voicemail – she likes to listen to her ringtone a little before rejecting your call.

Erin: Hey, you would want to rock out a little, too, if you had “Hot Stuff” as your ring.

3 rings – Could go either way.

Erin: She’s trying to be nice.

Four rings – Definite possibility of a call back.

Erin: Or, she just doesn’t have a “reject call” button on her phone. She’s hit “silent.”

Girls like to play games. A true bitch won’t return your call. She likes to leave you hanging, because she knows you’ll buckle and call back. If you call before the four-day waiting period is up, she either thinks you’re a stalker or will realize she has the upper hand to play more mind games with you.

Now guys typically tend to come up with excuses for the girl as to why she didn’t pick up the phone: Maybe her phone was off, maybe she was in class, maybe she wasn’t getting a signal, maybe she was in the middle of a confessional. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER.

She didn’t pick up the phone or call you back because she does not want to associate with you. It’s that simple. Sometimes she even has the nerve to give you a lame excuse: “I get no reception,” “My phone was off” or “Oh, you did?” That last one isn’t even a real excuse! If she doesn’t call you back within four days, MOVE ON – she’s just a bitch.

Erin: Hey, sometimes we really are just busy! I mean, it’s not like we can pick up the phone during a manicure or while we are studying for a nuclear physics final.

2. If She Says She Values A Sense Of Humor The Most – She’s Just A Bitch

Every girl says she values a sense of humor the most. Even the Playboy centerfolds list it as one of their turn-ons (that’s right, I actually read the text in Playboy). Let me level with you: She is lying.

No girl values a sense of humor the most. They see it as an “added bonus.” You know, like the free portable CD player she gets when she buys a new car.

Erin: That is so not true. It’s more like a free iPod. A free CD player isn’t even a bonus.

I’ve been doing the stand-up circuit for the past four years – where are our groupies? I have never had a girl throw herself at me after getting done with a show.

Well, maybe you’re just not funny, you’re thinking. Do you really want me to rattle off the list of clubs, colleges, graduation parties, wedding receptions and baby showers I’ve been booked at? I was even on an episode of Conan O’Brien once.

Erin: OK, for one, you sat in the back left row in the audience at Conan. Two, trying to impress girls by telling jokes at your sister-in-law’s baby shower does NOT count as being “booked.” In fact, I’m not even sure you were invited.

You know what girls really dig? Guitarists. Especially guitarists who can play Dave Matthews songs. They don’t dig the joke spitters. If you pride yourself on your sense of humor, give it up. Go play the guitar and bone up on some John Mayer songs.

Erin: Oh! Particularly this new John Mayer Trio song “Gravity”- so sexy. Oh, WHAT JAY? Maybe you should pick up playing the guitar. It’s never failed yet.

Okay, but seriously- sense of humor is definitely important to girls. But, there is a difference between making jokes and really being funny. You have to be able to laugh at yourself, guys. The “I’m too cool” thing wasn’t okay anymore after, like, seventh grade. SO GET OVER YOURSELF. Okay, I’m getting off my soapbox now.

3. If She Tells You To Request Her To Be In A Facebook Relationship, And She Leaves You Hanging – She’s Just A Bitch

This girl I know told me to request her to be in a Facebook relationship because she wanted to break up with her boyfriend, and I guess that was her way of doing so, which is a bitchy thing in and of itself if you ask me.

I rarely log into Facebook, because it might as well be called StalkMe.com, but since I am a nice guy I get on, in the process putting myself at risk for having my identity stolen, and I request her.

I guess Facebook didn’t believe that she would ever be my girlfriend, cuz it was all judgmental and like: “Are you sure you wanna add her as your girlfriend?” And, when I clicked yes, it said in disbelief, “Okay – We’ve sent her a notice saying you’ve requested her to be in a relationship. Cuz we don’t believe someone that hot would go out with you.”

So, a few weeks roll by and she hasn’t confirmed, and my Facebook profile is saying my relationship status is “Married.” She’s the one who wanted me to be in the stupid Facebook relationship! I, not realizing this was happening, couldn’t get a date for weeks.

Erin: Sure Jay, THAT’S why you couldn’t get a date-

The moral of the story is: Accept all requests that you get. That’s what I do. Not as a matter of bitchiness/non-bitchiness, but for your own safety.

One day there will be a Facebook serial killer, and he’s gonna go around killing all the people who reject his friend requests. We could actually start looking for him now, because chances are, he’s friends with Trevor Weichmann.

Check back tomorrow for the second installment of “She’s Just a Bitch, Part II.”