The news coming out this week about swimmer Michael Phelps’ drug use is distressing – not so much for me (I couldn’t really care less about what the guy does with his personal life), but for all the parents out there trying to find ways to introduce acceptable role models to their children. Then again, this got me thinking: is there really any person in society that we should be looking up to?
I mean, there are a few acceptable human beings here and there (Barack Obama, Tiger Woods, the one Baldwin brother who found Jesus), but it’s still hard to actually convince kids to really pick one person to be their “hero” over another. Take me, for instance. Around the time of my tenth birthday, I was convinced that Deion Sanders and Zelda creator Shigeru Miyamoto were the two greatest human beings alive. Did it really matter to me that one of them (take your pick) had an ego the size of Texas? Not so much-I followed them just because of what I saw watching football or playing Nintendo.
The more you look at it, the more it’s inevitable that we, as adults, really don’t have any control over who people idealize; all we can try to do is steer them in a certain direction. Therefore, this article is bent on one purpose: pointing out people who, only the criminally insane, would want to be like someday. The saddest part? There are people out there who find some of the following folks amazing.
1. Rod Blagojevich- He’s only a good inspiration if you’re trying to improve your skills as an auctioneer. Might be useful for eBay. Otherwise, what Blago symbolizes most is the ability to annoy an entire country by spouting lies on 30 talk shows a week.
2. Paris Hilton- She does nothing and gets paid for it. Wait – this actually might be the dream of some people out there.
3. Plaxico Burress- Only a good candidate if you’re hoping to get into the Dick Cheney School of Gunfire Training.
4. Christian Bale- After he went off on “Terminator: Salvation” director McG, we now know why the Joker hated him so much.
5. Amy Winehouse- You know, it would be nice if you did something that made sense to society once or twice. Maybe record a new song or two.
6. Boy George- See above.
7. Stephon Marbury- Actually the NBA’s version of Paris Hilton. Anyone who is getting paid $21 million to stay away from his own basketball team is either doing something very right or horribly wrong.
8. Russell Crowe- I’m going to be very cautious and not say anything harsh about the world’s greatest actor. He might throw a phone at me.
9. John McEnroe/ Bob Knight- I’m actually giving these guys the same spot for a particular reason. Both of them get angry, throw things, and stomp around like the Big Bad Wolf. Then, they both become TV commentators and expect us to take their insight seriously.
10. Me- Hey, I wrote this article with the goal of exploiting celebrities’ shortcomings for cheap laughs. Is it unfair of me to judge? Of course it is! But I’m still doing it.
(As for other dishonorable mentions, allow me to throw Larry Craig, Lindsay Lohan, and a good percentage of the Dallas Cowboy’s roster into the mix.)
What’s important here, however, is the sad realization that a good percentage of these people are those who are on the covers of magazines or have their face plastered everywhere on TV. The funny thing is that America loves jerks; everyone wants to see when they will slip up next.
So here’s my advice to the fine media outlets out there. Maybe occasionally bring up Mia Hamm or Bono or someone who is at least making an effort to make the world a better place. I promise it will at least make a few people smile, and who knows? Maybe it will keep me from being so cynical. Maybe. Writing about jerks is just so much fun.
Matt Carter is a senior creative writing, journalism, and Asian studies triple major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
