It is nightmare season for guys in America. Football season was milked bone dry last weekend, and now the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day. (I don’t even think I need to mention that the release of the sixth Harry Potter movie is still three months away, that speaks for itself.)
With Valentine’s Day comes obligation. All guys know what I am referring to. One day, all guys’ fathers sat down with them to have a talk. They were most likely shifting awkwardly, stuttering through their words, possibly sweating at the subject they had tried to avoid talking about for so long. The subject: buying gifts for women.
This is a weakness for all men, the talk with their fathers are of no assistance because their fathers, as men, are still clueless. Example: One, a close friend of mine, an intelligent guy with his wits about him, decided it would be a good idea to show his affection one Valentine’s Day through his memorable gift of a Spanish verb dictionary.
He couldn’t understand the reasoning of the fight that ensued, “She is studying Spanish?!?” He told me.
Next, another friend made the same classic mistake of thinking something practical made a good gift. He bought his girlfriend of three years, who was moving into a new apartment, an Xbox 360 for her entertainment pleasure. The copy of “Gears of War” that accompanied the game system was promptly thrown in his direction.
This is a common mistake made by many guys. When choosing a gift for a woman, do not under any circumstances choose something useful. The gift should be utterly useless or, if it does serve a function, it should do it poorly. This is the trick.
For example we’ll consider two possible gifts, both of which perform the same underlying function.
Gift one: a 12 pack of state of the art road flares with easy ignition tabs burning hotter and brighter with over 1,000 lumens to divert oncoming traffic in an emergency at night, in the rain, or in the middle of the day.
Gift two: a lavender scented candle with the illuminating capability of a 90’s glow in the dark T-shirt.
It is quite obvious which gift you should choose. It’s not all bad; I hear lavender helps you sleep. A woman would turn down the clear benefits of an all purpose tool kit complete with all size socket wrench set and additional power screw driver for a miniscule vial of liquid with a French name that literally translates to essence of toilet water. Honestly, women don’t realize that the male nostril can’t distinguish between an expensive French perfume, a few sprays of Febreeze, or the sweet smell of Sour Patch Kids. Women could honestly get by just applying the new car smell and calling it good. The results would be the same.
Men and women have very different views on gift giving and shopping for gifts. For instance, a man will usually only buy a gift when necessary, such as at 10:30 p.m. on Feb. 13. Going into the store, a man will bypass all the useless crap such as a statuette of two puppies with “Best” on one and “Friends” on the other. The upgrade from friends is obviously the puppies kissing. No guys will buy the practical gift, something that can always come in handy-like an extension cord. A serious relationship might merit the 20-footer.
Guys, God’s speed to you in shopping for this Valentine’s Day. Remember the awkward, shaky words of your father in that talk. “uhh…when a man loves a woman very much…umm sometime he, well, spend lots of money.” And enjoy your love puppy statuette this year.
– John Coleman
Associate News Editor
