This is in response to Krysta Patterson’s opinion piece, “A Warning Has Been Issued.” Like many southern Christians, Krysta has taken the stance that the Bible cannot be interpreted and must be taken at face value. I would like to demonstrate what that sort of logic can lead to.

Leviticus 18:22 and 20:12 – two passages that cover only gay men. No mention of women. Evidently lesbians are cool with God.

And – six different commandments covering the consumption of shellfish. God hates Crawdads three times as much as homosexuality. Red Lobster is practically a satanic church.

Exodus 31:15 & 35:2 — punishment for working on a Saturday is death. There goes pretty much every college student with a paper due on Monday.

Ephesians 6:5-7 & Titus 2:9-10 – Slaves are required to obey and respect their masters, and serve their masters as if they were serving the Lord.

Exodus 21:20-21 – It is okay to beat your slaves as long as you don’t kill them. These two make me feel much better about the first 200 years of American history now, how about you? (After all, God likes owning slaves 3.5 times more than he hates homosexuals)

I Corinthians 11:3-15 – Women must keep their head covered at all times or be shaved bald. I can’t help but notice that Ms. Patterson didn’t have a hat in her photo.

John 6:53-66 – You should eat Jesus, because it will make you more holy.

Matthew 25:45 – You should treat other people other people like you would treat Jesus. So, eating them is definitely an option.

Matthew 27:52-53 – Holy people broke out of their tombs and visited the people of Jerusalem. Since it is a holy act to eat people, this is basically biblical evidence of a zombie attack.

Deuteronomy 22:11 – Can’t wear clothing made with more than one kind of fiber. That does it for pretty much for most of the clothing in America.

I have put all of these passages together and drawn the only logical conclusion: Christians must believe that a horde of flesh eating, but holy, zombies will march on civilization, like a sacred George Romero movie. From the ashes, an army of bald lesbians will arise. This new force will enslave the survivors, and everybody will live happily ever after, wearing unfashionable clothing. And nobody will eat shrimp ever again.

Since no Christians I know believe anything even remotely like this, perhaps there are other conclusions to be drawn.Perhaps interpreting the Bible is desirable. Whether it is desirable or not, it is certainly inevitable. When somebody reads a work of literature and attempts to derive meaning from it, they are using interpretation. Anybody who has ever had an English class, especially at the college level, should be capable of understanding this.

When someone makes the claim, “Only I have the only correct understanding!” they are being usually being ignorant or perhaps foolish. When a college student makes that claim in an academic environment, it is an inexcusable breach of intellectual standards. And when a student makes that claim to the entire student body, it is an arrogance that borders on bigotry.

Jonathan Schwarz is a digital game design major in the Guildhall graduate program. He may be contacted at [email protected].