I’m calling for Park ‘N Pony to be dismantled. They have done nothing but cause me heartache and pain in the few short months I’ve been here. I’ve been hesitant to write about this because as soon as I write about how much I can’t stand Park ‘N Pony, they win. Or I get fired.

After Spring Break, I came back from the Dirty H (also known as Houston) late at night, around 2 or 3 in the morning. I was incredibly tired. I had a whole Thursday ahead of me and I just wanted to scurry up to my bed and go to sleep.

So I parked by the Medical Center. The sign read, “Faculty and Staff Parking: Monday through Thursday 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Friday 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.” It was Thursday, so I decided to park there as it was a university holiday (this is a key point).

I went to bed without a care in the world. I had a few days left before school started and I was going to sleep in, relax, and spend some time with my friends who had not left town for the holiday. My roommate was still gone so I had no distractions. No TV, no music, no slamming of the bathroom door for reasons unknown. Nothing.

Well, I slept in, casually got ready to start my day, and as I did, I walked outside. There was my beautiful car, a Toyota Matrix just begging for gasoline after the long journey had worn him out.

What was that on the hood? Some local pizza place advertising on my car? No matter. I could just remove it.

What. Was. That?!?

It seems I had received a parking ticket for $25 for parking in a teacher’s spot. Oh, I guess it was because there were no other spots available. Wait. Oh, that’s weird. I was the only car parked in these spots. I guess that’s because it was a school holiday and no one was here.

Something about their smug look as they print out a ticket also grinds my gears. Every time I see them, they are swimming the lot like sharks hungry for blood or printing out a ticket to put on someone’s windshield.

The other day, I was sitting in my car waiting for someone to come out of the dorms and a Park ‘N Pony vigilante knocked on my window and told me that if I didn’t move, I was going to get a ticket.

I’ve been trying to start a thing that whenever I see a member of Park ‘N Pony in a golf cart, I shout out to them, “YEAH! GET THAT MONEY!”

I understand that by parking in the wrong spots, I’m putting food on their children’s plates. And that’s fine. Just don’t give me a ticket for parking in a very open lot over a school holiday.

Also, on a side note: Why won’t Giddy-Up pick me up? As a first-year male, I am forced to walk long distances to park my car. So if it’s late at night and I don’t feel like walking all the way back to my dorm, I think that a golf cart that is racing around the sidewalk with other golf carts can pick me up and take me to my dorm. They don’t pick me up because I’m not a woman. I yell the golden phrase, “GIDDY UP!” yet they look at me like I’m crazy.

So to recap: I hate Park ‘N Pony and think Giddy-Up should pick me up.

Cool?

Cool.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].