It’s that time again. The time to look back on the year that’s gone by, evaluate how far we’ve all come, how much fun we’ve had and how glad we all are that it’s finally over. So here it is: the (sort of true) year in review.  

August: Students rush onto campus, excited to continue their educational journey in our hallowed halls.

Classes start. That all goes out the window.

After months of speculation as to which exciting, groundbreaking, maverick Barack Obama will name as his running mate, he announces a choice so daring, so out-of-the-mainstream, so unexpected that everyone is shocked (shocked!). In response, John McCain decides to go with his message of stability and experience and announces Sarah Palin. You’re welcome, Tina Fey.

The Olympics begin in Beijing. A cute girl sings a song. Michael Phelps wins eight gold medals. It turns out it was actually an ugly girl singing at the opening ceremony. No one seems to care.

June Comeseth. We get creamedeth.

September: The Republican National Convention is overshadowed by a hurricane barreling towards New Orleans. McCain cancels most of the events. George W. Bush tries to rationalize this by saying, “This is an example of how, if you fool me once, John McCain…well, you can’t fool John McCain.”

Unemployment figures reach 6.1 percent. People panic. It still seemed high at the time.

October: Connecticut legalizes gay marriage. The apocalypse is nigh.

The Congress creates the Troubled Assist Relief Program. Seven months later, it’s still a stupid title.

The GDP drops. Turns out we’re in a recession. Who knew?

Riots occur on the Boulevard after Party City runs out of slutty cat ears the day before Halloween.

November: Barack Obama is elected President. After the success of “The Dark Knight,” Warner Bros. announces it will make a new superhero film titled “Yes he did.”

December: An Iraqi journalist throws his shoe at George W. Bush. Bush announces the journalist is now wanted dead or alive. We still haven’t found him.

Rod Blagojevich waltzes onto the national scene with his awesome hair-do. Gay men everywhere groan at the sight.

January: Obama officially becomes president. The world is saved.

 A plane crashes into the Hudson. Everyone survives. Hats off to the captain.

Salmonella turns up in peanut butter. Stoners throw the mellowest protest ever.

Some lady in California has eight babies. It’s our business.

Republicans choose Michael Steele as their first black party chairman. Democrats issue a statement, “We win.”

February: Bruce Springsteen rocks the Super Bowl. I didn’t really watch the game.

A-Rod admits to using steroids. Yankees haters rejoice.

Congress gives Obama almost a trillion dollars to help save the economy. It’s working really well so far.

Emily Habeck agrees to be my Valentine.

Facebook tries to change its terms-of-use. Nerds revolt. Facebook realizes it can’t survive without nerds and backs off.

March: Unemployment hits 8.1 percent. That number seems high. Aren’t all you seniors glad to be entering the job market right about now?

April: Swine flu happens. We all make jokes.

Swine flu hits Dallas. We stop making jokes.

The Market runs out of hand sanitizer. People start getting worried.

Gay marriage is legal in Iowa. My editor keeps me from making a funny headline in the next day’s paper.

Pirates are back. And not the porn kind. “South Park” makes an offensive episode.

May: Cinco de Mayo happens. Details are fuzzy in everyone’s memories.

I write this column. No one laughs.

Finals hit. 7-Eleven makes a killing off of Red Bull.

It’s the end of the year. No more homework. No more finals. Except for those poor suckers taking summer school.

All in all, it’s been an eventful, exciting year. I can’t wait to see all of you next semester.

Nathaniel French is a sophomore theater studies and math double major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].