As I’m writing this opinion piece, members of Congress are working frantically to hash out a resolution to reopen the government and avoid defaulting on the country’s fiscal obligations.
While I haven’t read the text of any possible bills being considered, here is how I predict the situation will go down.
In order to prevent a catastrophic default, Congress will pass a stopgap spending measure that reopens the government and raises the debt ceiling such that American borrowing authority will not be exceeded for another three months.
Moreover, all future debt negotiations will be tied to the detonation of America’s stockpile of nuclear weapons. If Congress cannot pass a new budget by Jan. 18, the president will be forced to launch all of our warheads at once, incinerating all living matter on the planet’s surface.
In November, Republicans will keep pushing their demands that key provisions of Obamacare be delayed indefinitely (read: until they think they can win the White House again).
When asked by reporters whether such a demand is worth risking the annihilation of humanity, Ted Cruz will tell Fox News viewers that a nuclear holocaust is nothing compared to the loss of liberty Americans will suffer if Obamacare becomes law.
When December comes, negotiations will further stall as senators like John McCain beg their caucus to pick another time to fight this battle. Rand Paul will write an op-ed on CNN’s website reminding readers that the media is making out the apocalypse to be much worse than it sounds. After all, countries have been testing nuclear weapons for decades, so if they were going to eliminate life on Earth, they would have done so already. The administration is just trying to scare the American people; if one or two nukes go off, no one will be terribly upset.
Then, January will arrive. Republicans will take to the airwaves to decry President Obama for bringing us so close to the brink of doom. Public intellectuals will write masturbatory news columns about how “both parties are to blame for this mess.” John Boehner will show up on “The Situation Room in tears as Wolf Blitzer” asks him how humanity’s extinction might affect the 2014 midterm elections. Sarah Palin will use the situation to pretend that she is somehow still politically relevant. Cruz will read “The Cat in the Hat.” Not because he’s trying to start another filibuster, but because people always told him it was good and he never felt he could set enough time aside to really digest it up to this point. The secretary of the treasury will finally mint that $2 trillion coin, which Paul Krugman will wear around his neck and refer to as “Precious.”
With no other options left at his disposal, the president will be forced to follow the text of the laws passed by Congress and authorize a worldwide nuclear strike. Asked if he has any last uplifting words to share with the American public, he will respond, “Hey, if nothing else, at least this all happened after Breaking Bad finished its run.”
Bub is a senior majoring in English, history and political science.
