Ask Nell (03/28/02)
Q: Dear Nell,
There is a girl I know really well. We’ve been good friends for a while, but flirt all the time. My question is this: why are some girls such [teases]? They play mind games and make you think they want more. What gives?
– Frustrated
A: Dear Frustrated,
People ask me this question all the time. I have to clarify that not all girls are teases all the time, but most girls are guilty of leading on a guy they are not interested in during their lifetimes. Why do we do this? I think that, much like guys, girls like to feel wanted and sexy, if only for a little while. The attention you receive from having someone interested in you can be very endearing. Guys like to be teases too. It’s all about seeing if you can get someone. If you can get them, you know that you “still have your game.” Girls have a little advantage over guys in the teasing business because sometimes they can be so damn irresistible. A guy who dresses up looks handsome, but a girl who takes time to dress up looks hot and can stand out in a crowd. If you are flirting back with her, then (in her mind) you are probably playing along with her game. If she is in fact teasing you with no serious future in sight, the only thing that you can do to drive her nuts back is (I hate to give this secret away), but act like it doesn’t affect you. She will get frustrated and her true emotions will come out.
Q: Dear Nell,
This isn’t really a question about sex, but about a friend. My good friend, who is normally pretty conservative had too much to drink one night and ended up hooking up with two guys (who are friends). After that one incident, she got this reputation as an “easy slut.” She’s really not at all, but it’s killing her that people talk about her like that. Is there anything to do to fix the situation?
– Concerned
A: Dear Concerned,
You friend is in a horrible situation. I don’t know of a single girl who wouldn’t be devastated by something like this. What makes girls in this position the angriest is that they are called a slut after one night of being out of character, while guys are cool for getting everything that they can. It’s a double standard that is deeply rooted in history: as far back as the Greeks. You must tell your friend that hindsight is 20/20 and she cannot change what has happened. Once the action is done, you must deal with the consequences. Reputations are hard to change because they are spread around to people who don’t know any better about the person. For you, as a friend, you need to be there for her and defend her in every situation in which her reputation is brought up. As for your friend, tell her not to bring it up at all (it may be misunderstood as bragging) and tell people (if they ask or talk about it to her) that that night was an accident and it is not at all in her character to repeat such a night. If anything, truth and honesty are the best. A girl who honestly says, “I had a lot to drink, made some bad choices. They are my choices and I don’t need to defend myself about something that is no one’s business.” A strong straight-forward statement like this will shut most people up. I hope that your friend is strong and has support from you (and the rest of her friends). If she just needs some words of comfort, tell her “This too shall pass.”
