‘Guru’ just falls short
“The Guru” is the story of Ramu Gupta (Jimi Mistry), an Indian dance teacher who dreams of becoming a star in America.
His family is reluctant to accept his ambitions but he assures them his friend Vijay has already hit it big and lives in a New York penthouse.
When Ramu arrives in America, he discovers his friend does live in his building’s top floor – at least the second of two – which turns out to be a rundown walk-up in Queens. Vijay reassures Ramu he couldn’t have convinced him to make his journey if he hadn’t bent the truth a little.
Although Vijay and his two other roommates spend most of their time trying to shatter Ramu’s dreams of stardom, he remains determined to make it big.
Ramu’s first audition is with a porn autuer named Dwain (Michel McKean). Ramu, of course, doesn’t realize this, and when he is asked to show what he’s got, he decides to break out some dance moves and he starts to do the Macarena.
This is not the first time the Macarena appears in the film and sadly, it is not the last.
For some reason director Daisy von Scherler Mayer seems to think it’s still 1996. Anyway, Dwain is entertained and decides to hire Ramu, referred to as Ramy from here on out.
Ramy’s first scene is with Sharona, played by Heather Graham – Graham’s second “porn star” role – remember “Boogie Nights”?
When Sharona removes her clothes, Ramy figures out what kind of movie he’s making and gets a little nervous.
Sharona whispers some psychobabble in his ear about how the genitals are the pathway to the soul and that through sex we free ourselves from fear and anxiety. Before long Ramy gets his head back into the game.
A couple nights later Ramy and his friends get a catering job for the birthday party of a highly neurotic socialite named Lexi (Marisa Tomei).
In a gesture of condescending, new-age pomposity, Lexi’s parents have hired an Indian swami to share some transcendental wisdom.
As it happens the swami passes out from too much drink and Ramy is cast on the spot to replace him. After a few moments of nervous silence, Ramy calls upon Sharona’s sex advice and before you know it he becomes Lexi’s personal guru of sex. And then they all start doing the Macarena or something.
Lexi latches on to Ramy and is determined to make him a star. She has him interviewed by a journalist and sets up consultations with clients who aren’t afraid to throw down some big money for a little sexual healing.
One problem – Ramy is running out of material. Sharona agrees to help, but she doesn’t know he’s profiting from her personal insights.
Sharona, as it turns out, is really a good girl with a heart of gold and a few secrets of her own. Her fiancée thinks she’s a schoolteacher and you can probably guess why he hasn’t figured out yet that she’s a porn star.
Ramy and Sharona reluctantly fall in love and the rest of the movie plays out to the romantic comedy plot structure. Don’t pretend you don’t know how it ends.
If “The Guru” had been made in 1968 and starred Peter Sellers and didn’t ever attempt to take itself seriously, it might possibly work. It might actually be funny. But it’s not, and it doesn’t, and it isn’t. And Jimi Mistry, the English actor who plays Ramy, is not Peter Sellers. He’s hardly saltpeter.
The performances are all one-note and they’re all bad. Marisa Tomei’s Oscar nomination last year for “In the Bedroom” seemed to validate her win ten years earlier for “My Cousin Vinny” which was considered a fluke. Her performance in this film could end a career twice as successful as hers.
Daisy von Scherler Mayer has virtually no understanding of how comedy works. She fails at every turn.
Most director’s whose films are set in New York are forced to shoot in Toronto for budgetary reasons. The fact that someone gave her the cash and the go-ahead to shoot on location is a gesture of extreme negligence. It’s almost criminal.
2003 is but a month old and “The Guru” is probably the worst movie you could see all year.
It’s possibly the worst movie of all our lifetimes. Consider that praise.
