Meet Heidi.
She’s a nice Jewish girl that just likes to have fun. Herhobbies include sitting out by the pool with her gal pals, readingSteinbeck and having deep conversations with her father.She’s also a high-priced “Hollywood madam.”
But we shouldn’t judge Heidi based on her profession. Sheprovides naive country girls and repressed college coeds with theopportunities to meet the celebrities they’ve always seen onTV.
She’s a shrewd businesswoman — sending girls tojohns all across the world while keeping abreast of who’sdoing whom and where without jotting a word of it down. These areskills that she picked up while running a babysitting club back inher high-school years. (Speaking of which, Heidi kind of makes youwonder what we’d find out on the “Where Are TheyNow” special on Kristy, Stacey, Claudia and Mary Ann.)
She’s up on current events. She makes a practice ofputting in a good word for Israel every time she hooks up with oneof her Middle Eastern clients — a habit that, as she says,would “make her Hebrew teacher so proud.”
She has a great relationship with her father. When she comeshome for weekly visits with money to launder and plans to raid therefrigerator, she always makes it a point to stop and chat.
Sometimes, Heidi isn’t so good. She snorts blow quite abit. She doesn’t like getting screwed over. (One might thinkthis could be an occupational problem in the world of high-classhooking, but she perseveres.) And she’s an elitist.
But I guess all prostitutes can’t have hearts of gold andgood work ethics, can they?
USA Network’s “Call Me: The Rise and Fall of HeidiFleiss,” another gem from the network that brought us gemssuch as “Hitler’s Daughter” and “A PerfectHusband: The Laci Peterson Story,” encourages this rosy viewof lil’ Heidi’s life.
Aside from jail and all that, the movie suggests, hooking is themost exciting way for young girls to chart their course to the jetset world of travel and interesting people. Sleeping with dirty oldmen for money is what serving snacks and beverages on airplanes wasin the ‘60s.
As you may remember from my review of USA’s Laci Petersonmovie, I’m a sucker for trashy made-for-TV movies, soinvesting two hours in “Call Me” pays off in spades.(It’s a lot like hooking in that way.)
How could you not like a movie with lines like: “Heidi,you’re a groupie. You’d screw any big name for a Caesarsalad,” “This Hollywood madam is going down, waydown,” or (my favorite) “Wise up, Heidi. There’sa 7-foot bull dyke in prison who’s excited to meetyou.”
Plus, it’s got Jamie-Lynn DiScala going all ChristinaAguileira Stripped album on us. Our little Meadow Soprano is allgrowed up. Those sorts of “I’m-not-a-girl,but-boy-am-I-a-woman” career moves have all the rivetingappeal of a train wreck. (Remember folks; if it weren’t forsimilar moves by Drew Barrymore and Alyssa Milano, wewouldn’t have endless replays of the Poison Ivy series on USAtoday.)
Thankfully, everyone involved in the making of this film seemsto realize they’re not creating the great-Americanmasterpiece. All seem to relish in the sordidness of theirendeavor.
DiScala is delightfully bad as Heidi and the supporting castfeatures appropriately cheesy performances from Robert Davi asHeidi’s sleazy boyfriend-pimp, Brenda Fricker, as apissed-off rival madam bent on revenge, Saul Rubinek, asHeidi’s doting daddy, and Corbin Bernsen, as a sleazyHollywood producer who gets turned-on when Heidi talks foreignpolicy to him in bed. It’s good to see that Bernsen hasrebounded so well from the cancellation of “L.A.Law.”
From the clichéd ‘80s soundtrack to thebetween-scene snippets of Heidi snorting line after line of coke,this is sure to be a classic.
The real Heidi Fleiss has publicly criticized the movie, sayingshe’s not sure whose life it’s based on, but itcertainly isn’t hers. Apparently USA never “calledher.” She holds out hope for the big-screen version in theworks tentatively staring Nicole Kidman.
Well, I’ve got news for your, Ms. Fleiss: For my taste,the looser the “based” in the “based on a truestory,” the better. And that skinny Aussie bitch can’thold a candle to USA’s little strumpet.
Jeremy Roebuck is the layout and design editor. He may bereached at [email protected].
