Son of God, Inc.

The Son of God is coming to town – and his new neighbors are not pleased.

Loud noises. Neon signs. All-hours gymnasiums and hotels. A constant parade of people clogging sidewalks and roads. You expect these sorts of problems in business districts, industrial areas and downtown city centers. But now these ills and others are being imported directly into the heart of residential suburbia by the latest scourge of urban sprawl – the megachurch.

Megachurches are churches that serve over 2,000 worshippers a week, and more than 700 of them – twice as many as there were 12 years ago – dot the residential neighborhoods of the nation. And into these tranquil communities they bring the troubles of big city life – disrupting the peace, quiet and comfort of the surrounding community.

More than just houses of worship, megachurches often include bookstores, gyms, sports facilities, and sometimes coffee shops and even credit unions. Not exactly traditional spiritual fare.

There are several megachurches in the Dallas area. Hillcrest Church’s battles with its neighbors have recently made the news. Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano has 15 sports fields, a diner and gym, with plans to add a coffee shop and food court.

Further south, a Houston megachurch has a McDonald’s restaurant on its campus, complete with a golden-arches sign and drive through window.

That’s right, now the hungry Christian on the go can Super Size his salvation or get an order of fries with his McEucharist, with all profits going directly to God. What next, a sign outside proclaiming “millions and millions of sinners saved?”

And with the convenience of the in-church gym, one can hear a sermon then feel the burn – of exercise, not hell. How wonderful for those who attend these über-parishes. How nice for the churches to have such sustainable sources of income that don’t involve the difficult art of hat-passing. But at what price comes this convenience?

Ask the homeowners who live nearby, many of whom seem a bit put off about having to tolerate loud music and noise pollution that can often be heard for miles around whenever the neighborhood megachurch hires a Christian band to rock the gospel to a throng of thousands.

Homeowners, who often live in the suburbs to get away from the crowds and noise of the city, are now being forced to live next to hotels and restaurants, gyms and coffee shops, and all sorts of other services that generally cannot not legally be offered in a residential area. This is not right.

And if homeowners or the cities afflicted by these obscenely large mansions of God try to do anything to limit their expansion they risk being called anti-Christian or even sued for violating a horrid federal law that basically gives churches the liberty to do damn near whatever they want and to expand as much as they like.

How dare people complain about their home values being destroyed – don’t they know that the gospel is more important than being a good neighbor? That only a heathen wouldn’t enjoy having a billion decibels of gospel rock pumped into a quiet neighborhood at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday?

Beyond their dubious violations of at least the spirit of zoning laws, megachurches also sap tax funds from their communities. Since church property isn’t taxed, every acre a megachurch absorbs is that much less revenue for local schools. And the immunity from sales taxes many churches and their services enjoy not only drains funds from state coffers, but also creates unfair competition for local businesses that do collect taxes.

And then there’s just the propriety of it all. Somehow we’re supposed to believe that the Messiah who tossed money changers out of his Father’s temple would be okay with Mickey D’s moving in to fill the gap?

Or that the narrow road is so hard to traverse that faithful Christians need a few hours on the treadmill and a room at the church’s own inn to climb the mountain of faith?

Megachurches, by spreading their activities far beyond the pale of religion, don’t just take blatant advantage of the generous protections offered to faith in this country through the skirting of zoning laws – they fail in their Christian duty to treat others as they would wish to be treated.

Something has to be done to cap the growth and services that these churches are forcing into residential neighborhoods, or we risk blurring the lines between business and residential districts to the point that no home’s value is secure and no house is a safe investment. And that would be a disaster for real estate, one of the core industries of the American economy.

Heaven help us all if nothing is done to stop the tumor-like growth of the megachurches. Particularly those of us who like to sleep in on Sundays.