Girl Talk

While talking to a guy friend in my dorm over the weekend, the subject of dating rules came up. I made the comment that I would NEVER date a good friend’s ex or serious crush. He responded with a simple question: “Why?” Why?!”

My face took on a look of horror. “Why do girls DO that?” he asked again when I made no movement to respond.

It was at that moment that I realized that the ethical gap between guys and girls on this issue makes the Grand Canyon look like the Rio Grande (neither of which I’ve ever actually seen, but you get the point).

Like most girls – at least the ones I want to be friends with – dating, hooking up with or even thinking about a friend’s ex without her express permission (and blessing) is not something I’d even think of considering. It would be a betrayal of everything sisterhood stands for. That, and she’d probably tear my hair out.

Guys, on the other hand, have no problem getting with a friend’s ex, with very few exceptions … okay, only one exception, and even that one’s negotiable. If Guy #1 is still teary-eyed and brokenhearted, Guy #2 will usually refrain from taking up with the girl that reduced Guy #1 to his current state of patheticness. Either that, or he’ll just refrain from telling him. It happens more than you think.

Maybe the reason for our genders’ difference in attitudes is the difference in consequences.

When a guy hears that his friend hooked up with his ex, he might get mad — for all of 60 seconds. (The exact timing of the reaction depends, of course, on who broke up with whom, if there are any residual feelings and how long the relationship lasted, but 60 seconds is a pretty nice average).

Despite the fact that most guys will proudly claim the motto “bros before hos” (I’ve even seen guys toast to it), those words are dropped from the male vocabulary the minute a girl walks by.

The reason they do that is because they can. I once broke up with a guy on a Friday afternoon. Friday night one of his fraternity brothers (and roommates!) tried to hook up with me at a Pike party. I’ll grant you that some of what happened was my fault, but I wasn’t the one who still had to live with the guy. Though we had decided to “stay friends,” I really didn’t feel I owed him that much loyalty. Naturally I told my ex what happened. If it were me, I’d want to know. My ex’s response to what I considered to be a revolting display of disloyalty?

“He’s my brother and that’s who he is. I’m not surprised. What do you want me to do about it?”

I was stunned. I mean come on. He also wasn’t angry when I started dating another of his brothers on Saturday. Believe it or not, most guys don’t mind sharing.

This situation would never happen in our world. If a girl hooked up with her roommate’s ex the night they broke up – or any of the 365 nights thereafter – someone would be looking for a new place to live. End of story.

We see such an act as a betrayal; in our minds, she chose the guy over the friendship. And really, that’s exactly what she did. She knew going into it that such a move would likely if not certainly destroy the friendship, and she chose to take the risk.

When a girl violates another girl’s trust in this most extreme manner, the friendship is, for all intents and purposes, over. Even if the two continue to be on friendly terms, it’s never the same; there will forever be a white elephant in the room. It’s not that we’re mean, horrible people, it’s that girls don’t want friends they can’t trust.

It’s a really great answer to the age-old question of whether or not the threat of punishment truly deters the crime. Well of course it does! As I told my friend, guys will come and go. In all probability you’re not going to marry the ex — if she found something wrong with him, chances are you will, too.

But that girl might be the girl that will bring you ice cream and chick flicks when someone breaks your heart, the one who will hold your hand on your wedding day (please God, let that be far into MY future) and tell you you’re the most beautiful bride that’s ever walked down the aisle.

So why do girls DO that? Because guys will get over it and girls won’t. Because it would be running the risk of throwing away a lifelong friendship for a few great dates followed by a few lousy ones. Because in the end, it’s just not worth it.