“Gimme More?” Actually, Britney, we’d rather not. We are of the opinion that Britney Spears, despite releasing her first new single in years last week, can never make a full comeback.

For one thing, she already had her chance. When she first split with Kevin Federline last year, she was looking great. The public and her masses of adoring fans were ready to take her back with open arms. But then she ran around town, partying without panties and shaving her head. Now she’s ready for the comeback but we’re not so sure we are.

Some artists can make a comeback because people feel sorry for them. But no one pities Spears, who brings drama upon herself. Meanwhile, some artists can make a comeback because they are still talented. Britney Spears has never been talented. She was a quality entertainer. The girl could put on a show like no other. But a talented musician, she’s not. Spears has been overshadowed by dozens of skilled female singers and songwriters who are now getting playtime on the airwaves. We just don’t need her anymore.

Furthermore, she lacks what originally made her so appealing in the first place. America became obsessed with Britney because she was young, seemingly innocent and hyper-sexualized. Once upon a time, she was “not a girl, not yet a woman.” Well, now she’s a woman and a trashy-looking one at that. The mystique is gone. When you traipse around town letting people see you without underwear, you tend to lose any semblance of mystery.

As we as a nation become more and more obsessed with celebrities’ personal lives, Britney Spears has taken advantage of that fetish to a maximum degree. And it worked. Now we care more about her custody battle with K-Fed, and whether or not she’s buckled in Sean Preston when they go for a drive, than we do about her career. And by making herself seem “normal,” she’s thrown herself from the pedestal we so rabidly placed her upon. She’s no teeny-bopper or pop princess anymore. She’s Hollywood’s resident piece of trailer park trash.

But the biggest reason Britney won’t make a comeback is that this first single she’s released, “Gimme More,” sucks. It’s barely danceable, much less interpretable or memorable.

So, Brit, not only will we not give you more, we won’t hit you baby one more time or let you (oops!) do it again. Because frankly, we think you’re pretty toxic.