Over the winter break, I bought myself a very nice television and a Playstation 3. I had a TV, but Steve from Circuit City told me I had to have something called a 1080p HDTV to “experience true HD quality”. Whatever, Steve.

So I got home and hooked everything up and realized I don’t have any Blu-ray movies. I mean, I could have put a normal DVD in there, but like Steve said, I wouldn’t “experience true HD quality”.

I then headed back to Circuit City to buy a few Blu-ray movies. Turns out, everything is usually out of stock the day after Christmas at about 6 in the evening. Go figure.

The only available movie was “I Am Legend”, featuring rumored Scientologist William Smith, or Will Smith, or, as my friend Mimi pointed out, Big Willy. Whatever you want to call him, he’s a beast (except in “Seven Pounds”) and can totally pull off the whole “I’m the last person on Earth” look.

You may be asking your friends along with yourself, “Why is he talking about “I Am Legend”? He’s such an amazing writer! He should be focusing on topics such as Barack Obama’s inauguration, the economy, or the flailing Dallas Cowboys!”. I’ll tell you why in the next paragraph.

Why is it that in every disaster movie, the main character or “hero” is strong, handsome, and apparently able to fire any kind of gun with the greatest accuracy and ease? Why isn’t John Goodman in “Die Hard 5”? I think the fat guy from “Superbad” would be perfect in the next “Terminator”. Al Pacino in the next “Matrix”?

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger probably don’t have the acting chops to take on “Dog Day Afternoon” or “The Godfather: Part II.”

Is it just by chance that these “heroes” are always in shape? Could I be the lead in the next “Mission Impossible” movie? I mean, of course I can, but it’s the principle of the thing.

John Paul Green is a freshman theater major. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].