Guy Talk

First I want to give a shout-out to Shawna of the SMU rowingteam, Traci from Ole Miss and Jason from Countrywide Home Loans.Individually they mean nothing; combined, they’re the onlythree people that have responded to this column.

Now back to business.

We made it through another Sept. 11 safe and sound here on thehome front.

I believe this is due in part to the increased securitysurrounding the weekly bus parties on the Hilltop. In case youdidn’t hear, the bus parties have been deemed level purplewith green stripes.

There is only one incident on campus that ranks higher, levelblack. Black is only put into affect when someone is illegallyparked. So now you can understand how serious this warning is.

The night starts with anywhere from 100 to 200 students waitingin line to board a bus.

Mind you that the line is more of a cluster. Anything goesinside the cluster — punching, elbowing, pushing or pulling.Have you ever seen a so-called “southern belle” aftershe has had a few and wants to board the bus.

She chucks her elbows around until she hears a pop because thenshe knows she hit you square. I once saw one such lady put a largefellow on his knees after he tried to move a spot in line. If youare lucky enough to make it to the door of the bus, you still areonly halfway there.

First of all, half the time you achieve the goal of getting tothe door, you then find the bus is full and it leaves.

So the next bus pulls up. However, there is no designatedstopping point.

So where you were currently standing may now be at the back ofthe new bus. The cluster then darts to the new spot; all stragglersare left behind, which means back to the line.

It would be easier to walk through the metal detector at D/FWairport with a stick of TNT in your hand and an AK-47 in yourcarry-on.

Now back to boarding. If you are lucky enough to make it to thefront of the bus and there is still enough room inside, you mustpresent your identification. Back in the day, a standard school IDwould do the trick.

However, due to the recent illegal making of thousands of fakeSMU IDs (you can go to football games for free), the policeofficers on hand no longer except anything but a driver’slicense.

By this point, many people have gone numb in their lower halffrom all of the standing around.

Some people are actually returning from the parties on the busesyou wait to board.

The delay causes some folks to hop into their vehicles andfollow the bus. On certain occasions, the bus driver assumes therole of Mario Andretti and attempts to lose the following pack.

Normally not a big deal, but unfortunately a choice few of therespectable student body on this campus are slightly intoxicated,making bus chasing just a little dangerous.

Where were we? Oh yes, so you have just given blood, and the DNAtests results are cleared. Your name must now be located on theLIST.

The LIST is the most important piece of paper you will encounterin your entire life.

More important than your report cards in high school, moreimportant than you diploma, more important than your evictionnotice. If your name doesn’t grace the LIST the officer givesyou a nice parting gift and tells you to go home. If you are luckyenough to be one of the chosen few on the LIST, you are granted thewristband of life.

The band allows you to enter the doors of the destination spot.Unless of course the spot hasn’t been completely rented out,in which case any Joe off the street can enter.

When the destination is not completely rented out, cell phonesthen rule the night.

Person A, who fought through the initial struggle calls friend Band tells them how to get to the Palace of Crunk. Person B thentells friends C and D and random chick E to jump in the SUV andturn up “O.P.P.” in the CD player.

Person D calls friend F who is waiting in line for the bus andfriend F tells the cluster to forget the LIST and bolt to thePalace of Crunk.

If you happen to finally board the bus, you are greeted withanother line once you arrive.

This line could take anywhere from five to 35 minutes to getthrough, depending on how many students are using fake IDs thatnight.

By now, it is probably 1 a.m. or later. You are now left withless than an hour to get dangerous on the dance floor.

Then you must again board the bus to head back to theHilltop.

Unfortunately, there are no requirements for whom may return onthe bus. I think last week I rode home next to a homeless guy fromDeep Ellum.

In defense of the brainiacs (I use the term loosely) that cameup with system, I have not yet been to a function that has beenattacked by terrorists.

I have never been on a bus that has been blown up. I have neverbeen assaulted by a man dressed in dark clothing at the back of thebus.

So someone must be doing something right. Who cares about thewait? Those are the safest 17 minutes I have ever spent in abar.

E-mail your comments, questions or concerns to Guy [email protected]