Guy Talk

Pick up your jock straps and grab the pelotas. It is time toturn things around on the Hilltop. There are a couple of sportsteams on this very campus that are playing ball like a bunch ofcross-eyed donkeys with three legs trapped in an elevator.

Oh yeah, I’m pulling punches and running through fire.I’m feeling a little feisty today, so watch your steps. I sitaround week after week supporting the ‘Stangs and fending offany naysayers.

But I’m sorry. Eventually that is like trying to convincea bunch of New Kids on the Block groupies that Joey and Danny willreturn. I can only tell them to hang tough for so long.

Have you heard the good news? SMU is moving to Conference USA.Right after all of the really good schools leave and head to betterconferences. Welcome to the WAC the sequel. Please turn off yourcell phones while the show gets underway. The move is a crossbetween Point Break and Speed. Anything is better than the firstoption, but once you have seen the second, the first doesn’tlook that bad.

I personally feel we should bolt for the Canadian FootballLeague. Labatt’s Blue, snow and the money they pay playerswith looks like kids stuff.

So I would like to propose a bet. If the Mustang football teamdoesn’t win a game this season, I will sleep every night,from the final game until the dead days before finals, out underthe flagpole. Want to wager? Send me an e-mail with your end of thebet. Second, if the men’s soccer team doesn’t make thetrip to the national tournament, I will come to class next Fridayin a dress. Put your money where your mouth is — send me yourbet.

So now that I have proved my loyalty to my fellow Ponies,I’m going to hit them harder than Jessica Simpson on a goodday. Don’t worry — I don’t like Buffaloeither.

The men’s football team has more losses this season thanthe stock market when the power the goes out. Lots of teams wingames by averaging less points than its opponent. They are calledgolfers. I don’t know what hurts more going to a game forfree, or paying money to watch Keenu Reeves in another horriblemovie.

Hey Mustang offense, the Girl Scouts called, and they want theirpassing attack back. On the plus side, at least we are nationallyranked, 117 out of 117. Not to worry. The light is still burning atthe end of the tunnel. Oh, that might just be the grass in the endzone. How does that old saying go? Hey, if you can’t beat um,run the ball on fourth and eight?

Doak isn’t rolling over is his grave. He doesn’thave time; he is to busy trying to explain why there is a car namedafter a team that plays like a bunch of kids on tricycles withtraining wheels.

Every team that enters Ford Stadium should change nicknames tothe Bus Drivers, because we are getting taken to school. (Cue rimshot sound effect.)

OK, enough is enough. Get the point boys? Now put up a fricking”W.”

Now, fresh fish. Please welcome the men’s soccer team.

For as long as I have been here, the soccer team has beentougher to handle than first-year females after a few choicebeverages. The boys notch victory after victory, climbing to thetop of the rankings. Then the squad hits a wall called the nationaltournament and drops to the pavement like a sack of potatoes. Thetalent reloads year after year, however (drum roll please) thisyear the men’s team has been anything but stellar.

The word that comes to mind starts with an “S” andrhymes with “binking.” I have never seen more talent goto waste — well maybe at a Miss Universe contest. The boysare streakier than a zebra. Nope, that was too easy. The boys domore streaking than a frat boy after a cold twelver on a Saturdayat a football game with a team that is 0-9 and shows no signs oflife. Don’t get any ideas guys.

I have watched many of these guys grow over the last couple ofyears … not like that. Silly. I thought this would be the year. Ialso thought that by now somebody would have been able to findNemo.

OK, time to summarize. Who said English class wouldn’t payoff? Look at the structure of this article. Imagine if the parkingsystem had this structure. I can dream.

So there are a couple of programs on campus that are having alittle bit of trouble. Each team I follow and defend almostreligiously. My mom used to say, “Sometimes you have to lightthe fire if you want to start the flame.”

I never really understood what she meant. I just hope that thislittle article gives the lads something to line the toilets withbefore they run out and trounce the next rival.

If not, I’m going look pretty silly around this campus thenext week. Not like I don’t look silly already, but this willbe worse.