Pickup lines. I have to admit that I’m a sucker for a goodpickup line because I enjoy a good laugh. I know, I know.They’re about as phony as a screen door on a front porch, butsometimes it takes something that stupid to break the ice whenyou’re trying to initiate a conversation.

I was actually quite flattered recently when a guy came up to meand said, “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should Iwalk by again?” I couldn’t help but laughhysterically.

Forgive me for my tasteless humor. I have compiled a list of SMUpickup lines and why they just won’t work. These are thesorts of random ideas I get at 3 a.m.

That’s what happens when you don’t sleep much. Itwas quite the difficult task to try to incorporate SMU themes intopickup lines, so some you may find funny; others, you won’t.Again, forgive me.

• “So you wanna go back to my residencehall?”

When you’re trying to pick someone up, it’s no timeto try to be politically correct. Save that for an AARO skit.

• “Let’s do like the dining hall and HumpFreely.”

Chances are you don’t even know this person’s lastname. Let’s learn that before you try to get them into thesack. Furthermore, alluding to dining halls or food of any sort isnot poetic in any way.

• “You must live in Shuttles, ‘cause you sendmy heart to Mars and back.”

With the hype surrounding the landing on Mars, President Bushrevealed the future of the space program in a speech that he mostlikely did not write. Did his advisors also write that pickup linefor you?

• “Excuse me. I’ve got a question for you. Doesit make me an explorer if I want to travel your valleys and conqueryour Hilltops?”

Did you ever watch that Ben Affleck movie, Armageddon?There’s a scene where he uses animal crackers to conquer LivTyler’s breasts. You are not Ben Affleck. You will never beBen Affleck. So please, do not try to be Ben Affleck. Don’t.Just don’t.

• “If you’re ever tired of flying and need toget away, you can ride my PONY Express any day.”

Did you ever read The Polar Express when you were a kid? PONYExpress reminds me of that book. Anyway, nursery school rhymes arecute when you’re four. That’s about the only time.

• “Do you wanna have lunch? ‘Cause I’llflex my dollars for you any time.”

First of all, you shouldn’t flex anything but yourmuscles. Second, using flex dollars is a clear indication that youare cheap. After being at SMU, shouldn’t you know by now thatfrugality is not a way to impress someone?

• “Pardon me, but are you an engineer? ‘Causeyou’ve got a lot of Junkin that trunk.”

When talking to a girl, avoid using the word “junk.”She is not garbage. Even speaking figuratively, do not refer to herbutt as junk, and do not remind her that she has got a lot ofit.

• “So you wanna get down to business? ‘CauseI’m all about Cox.”

No comment.

• “Baby, I’m not graduating, so you can step onmy seal anytime.”

Well, you’ve given away the fact that you’re notgraduating, which equates to loser. That further leads to a loserwith no job, no potential earnings and no future. Therefore, nodice.

• “You must live in McIntosh, ‘cause you sureare the Apple of my eye.”

Usually, when one wants to impress another with his/her poeticcapabilities, one alludes to beautiful things, such as nature— not technology.

So do I believe in love at first sight? I wish I could, but loveat first sight is merely a feeling between two horny people whoaren’t picky. 99.9 percent of all college hookups are theresult of this phenomenon.

It all starts with a couple of drinks and a cheesy pickupline.

Ann Truong is a columnist for The Daily Campus. She maybe reached at [email protected].