Guy Talk

I’m feeling kind of sick. Not like bust out thePepto-Bismol, thermometer in the rear to check your temp sick. Sicklike fed up sick. Why do people feel the need to bicker about sillyinstances that they created just to be able to bicker? Case inpoint, the lady that burned herself a number of years back with acup of coffee after going through a drive-through. Probably becauseher cell phone was in the other hand, and she hit a light pole, butthat is another issue. I burned myself on my grill cookinghamburgers last month. You don’t see me calling forWeber’s ass on golden plate.

The complaining hit an all-time high for me the other night.While I was busy on the Internet downloading classic artwork (What?I was.), I decided to use the AOL Instant Messenger. Now Idon’t spend a ton of time using IM (that’s what youcall it if you are in the “in” crowd) mostly because ifmore than one box pops up, I get all pissed and can’t typefast enough. Then my buddy types the next question before I answerthe first one, so I have to delete my old answer. By the time Ialmost finish the next answer, another buddy clicks in and sayssomething. Pretty soon I just type, “gotta go toclass,” and I turn the thing off. Note to self: messagedoesn’t work after 9 p.m.

The other night, I didn’t have as much trouble as normal.So I was chatting with a friend from Illinois, and a box popped upasking if I wanted to read a message from a person not on my listof friends. So on the off chance that it was a supermodel that gota hold of my screen name, I accepted without hesitation. Thesupermodel turned out to be more like MarvAlbert on a bad hair day.I think the message read, “Hello Guy, I wanted to use IM sothat you wouldn’t have an address to reply to. I don’tlike how you always make a reference to things you see messed up.You make fun of things that don’t help you or aren’tgood for you. You target women and sensitive issues, and you try tomake them into no big deal.”

I then respond by asking whom I might be talking with.”That is not important,” they reply. “Look at themanner in which you carry yourself. Always strutting around campus,talking loud to attract attention. You have tried to make dressingdown into a style of your own. Shorts and sweatpants. You think youlook cool in them, because you are not like the people around you.Then you go and make fun of fashion around campus.”

My next thought is, “Stalk much?” Then I quicklyre-evaluate the situation and think maybe, “Cutestalker?” So I ask name and size. OK, not really. I againasked for a name. This time I’m told not to worry aboutit.

Then my new friend closes with some heart-felt thoughts,”A column in the school paper once a week doesn’t makeyou any cooler than anybody else. I’m sure you could come upwith something intelligent and well-spoken to speak about nexttime. Try writing, not promoting.”

And that is that. For the next three days I log onto IM and tryto find my new friend, but the name never appears. So I’mlost and a little hurt.

Good thing I have other friends that will tell me how funny mywriting style is.

Which brings me to the question, why would somebody want to blababout something just for the sake of blabbing? I picked on thefootball team last week, not because they are currently winless,but because a student asked what I felt about the season. On theother hand, I will continue to root for the Ponies until the finalsnap of the season.

I picked on the administration at the start of the year becauseI pay a lot of money to go here, and I just wanted to know where itall goes. That doesn’t mean I don’t value the collegeexperience.

I picked on female drivers a while back not because I thinkfemale drivers are generally poor, but because — well wait— yeah maybe. Never mind.

So people want to pick on issues with zero relevance to theirown lives.

Why did everyone pick one Ashley Earnest? Did she kick your dog?Don’t think so. Did she put her finger in your ice cream?Nope. So find something else to whine about. Why does every bodypick on the SMU cops? You act like all they do is write parkingtickets. Shoot. Well, they don’t make up the violations; thetickets explain themselves. Illegal parking is illegal parking nomatter how much your car is worth. So hold back the tears.

Is the food in the cafeteria really that bad? You obviously havenever eaten a peanut butter, tuna, orange-slice sandwich. Wellneither have I, but café food looks a whole lot better now.I’m tired of seeing students cry about theme parties. Jealousthere wasn’t any doctor masks left? Couldn’t find aWinnie the Pooh costume that fit? I say that if a guy or girl wantsto get dressed up and prelude the title of their costume with theword “slutty” more power to them. Don’t agree?You and Justin should go cry me a river. Worst of all, Idon’t want to hear about me. So I wear sweat pants;it’s better that than spandex. Trust me. Please don’tconfuse my comfort with an attitude or style.

So next time you want to take some shots, head to the localwatering hole. You don’t have to try to hurt feelings, justto share your thoughts. Twisted or not.