Pledging a penny or going broke when investing in a college relationship

Hot diggity! Who in their right mind would give me room for allof my constant ramblings?

When Kellye Rogers published her piece, “ColumnAnyone?”, actively seeking a columnist, I had to at leasttry.

And when she responded to my e-mail, showing interest, I wassurprised that someone out there actually liked my writing andsense of humor. I’ve been given room to rant. As if enoughpeople don’t get offended by what is said (or not said) bythe newspaper, you just had to throw me into the mix.

Ruminations on College Life … and Life in General can beeverything and nothing at all. “What is Ruminations?”you ask? These are the meditations on college life, and when youread about them, do me the honor and at least giggle, because youknow you’ve been there, too.

I’ll touch on different aspects of college such as greeklife, the community bathrooms, alcohol and everything in between.You can take my ramblings one of two ways: a look into a strangeand thoughtful mind or just the pathetic ramblings of apseudo-intellectual. You decide. Then send a letter to the editoror e-mail me, tell me how my sense of humor compares to tree bark,and watch me not care.

Now that I’ve made my introductions, let’s jumpright into my first topic: college relationships.

Okay, such a thing does not exist. Let me rephrase. My firsttopic: college hook-ups. Proper definition: short-lived romanceswith no strings attached. Real definition: not a relationship, justbang, bang, bang. Why have one amazing person for the rest of yourlife when you can go to Guys and Dolls every year and have yourpick of pimp-tastic guys or skank-a-licious dolls?

“It ain’t cheap gettin’ laid,” saidsomeone who shall remain nameless. And within a long-termrelationship, that’s the truth.

I didn’t know getting laid had become an investment. Onehas two options: Either invest in a long-term mutual fund ( the”relationship” option) and watch it grow with a few upsand downs along the way, or buy into small penny stocks (hook-ups).Though volatile, penny stocks are cheap and have some potentialearnings — the perfect option for a college student.

Perhaps I’ve been investing in the wrong thing all thistime — a relationship. You know where this is going. Therelationship eventually went bankrupt, and I walked awaybroken-hearted.

So penny stocks, huh?

Speaking of cheap, that’s something my last relationshipwas not. I invested so much time and money into a relationship thatI thought was going to be the end all, be all.

Well, when it ended, it was the end of me. And he walked awaywith the better end of the deal. For his birthday/Christmas gift, Idropped close to nine bills without thinking twice about it. Theloot: a Burton snowboard, boots and bindings. Geez ‘n’peas!

Ladies, don’t ever drop the mad green on any homie unlessyou’ve got some insurance (i.e., some phat bling bling on yofinger) or reciprosity for your investment.

And fellas, if you want to increase your own dividend in therelationship pool there is one item in which every guy shouldinvest — a copy of How to Be a Gentleman. I highly recommendthis book if you want to increase your chances of getting laid.

I think from now on, I’m going to hand a guy that book onour first date and say, “Read Chapters 1 through 5. Therewill be a quiz on our second date.” Having read the bookmyself, I can now point out exactly what a guy is doing wrong andeven cite my source: “Chapter 3 on proper dinner etiquette,page 39 of How to Be a Gentleman.”

I don’t think there is a book on how to be a lady. If everthere was, it wouldn’t be just a book, but would come inseveral volumes like encyclopedias.

One other reason college relationships can’t work isbecause we’re all less willing to take risks. I’venoticed in college that guys no longer ask girls out on dates.It’s always, “Hey, come over” or”Let’s watch a movie in my room.”

Guys: I promise you that a girl is much more impressed if youask her out on a date. “Come over,” just won’tcut it anymore. Make a full-fledged attempt. Am I wrong, or doeschivalry need to find its way back into our day and age?

The goal of this column is to force a few laughs by poking funat an aspect of college life, and I suppose, just life in general.This purposeless struggle for a futile passion that we call lifepresents us with such absurd storylines and subplots thatit’s hard not to read them like a comic strip. You’vejust got to know how to laugh; otherwise, you exist in a crappyclassified ad.

So penny stocks, huh?