Meat isn’t murder, it’s suicide

I have been tinkering with vegetarianism for some two years now, and I must say it has not been easy. In fact, if vegetarianism were a woman she would have surely left me by now.

To be honest with you, dear friends, I have not been faithful. I have been seduced by savory shrimp, I have been fiddled into fiery filet fetishes and, quite often, I have been bridled by busty burgers.

Now I am aware that you – and by “you” I am referring to the general American population – refer to vegetarianism as the French might refer to the English, or vice versa: a strange, foreign, three-headed, cycloptic, plague-ridden fairy tale monster dressed in a Nazi uniform and speaking Russian.

For to be vegetarian is to be anti-American.

To be anti-McDonalds, anti-hunting, anti-animal testing, anti-obesity, in fact, anti-anything that might transform our barbaric and primitive society into something better, is, unfortunately, anti-American.

Of course, vegetarianism has become more widely accepted over the past several years.

There are now several restaurants (yes, in Dallas) that are either entirely vegetarian in nature (Cosmic Café, I love you) or have extensive vegetarian sections of their menus.

Even Burger King has become somewhat vegetarian-friendly with the addition of the BK Veggie Burger to its menu.

Unfortunately, Burger King french fries are made with some sort of beef byproduct and are therefore not edible for the vegetarian community. Who likes their fries anyway?

So why does vegetarianism maintain such a terrible stigma? Well, in my opinion, many advocates of vegetarianism are offensive.

You know the type: the hemp-clad vegan hippie yelling on a loudspeaker at a Panic concert about how all meat eaters are murderers and should be locked inside a slaughterhouse in the lowest ranks of hell for the span of eternity.

Don’t get me wrong; that guy’s probably my friend.

I support vegetarianism and the many different and varied issues for which it attempts to fight. However, I realize how unreasonable it is to think that the entire human population will change its entire way of life just because you hand them a pamphlet.

There are many ways I could try to explain why vegetarians are vegetarians: They don’t like meat, they are against the mass production of animals and therefore the mass abuse of animals throughout the course of food production, they realize that the grain and water necessary to produce just one pound of beef could feed a small community for several weeks, they are aware of the terrible effects of the fast food industry on the health of Americans, they realize that meat is not necessary to the dietary health of human beings and that various and often healthier options are available with vegetables, and so on and so on.

But today I am not here to convert all of you – “you” referring to the same “you” to whom I referred earlier – heathen meat eaters into broccoli loving vegetarians.

Rather, I am here to tell you that you are big, fat, unhealthy slobs who have completely lost all respect for your own bodies and are thus destined to live long, sad, sickly, cancer-ridden lives. Beautiful, I agree.

Therefore, for the sake of selfishness, for the sake of our children, for the sake of the future, we must change our ways. Even as indestructible 18- to 21-year-olds, we must pay more specific attention to what we do to our bodies. We are living longer. (I plan to live to the ripe age of 137.)

We are also susceptible to more diseases – more fatal diseases. Will becoming a vegetarian make us immune to all diseases?

Of course not. But responsible vegetarianism, the moderate consumption of meat or just healthier, more aware eating habits, will increase our bodies strength and ability to fight the many other horrifying things we do to our bodies everyday.

While it would be nice if all of you threw away your guns and fishing rods, traded in your George Foremans for salad spinners and late-nighted at Souper Salad, I won’t ask you to do that. I will simply ask you to be more aware of the things you are putting into your bodies.

If you can’t see the Big Mac as murder or as socio-economic rape of the world, see it as something that you might regret during your first heart attack.